I chose to blog today about shutting down, something I am sadly a pro at, especially when I am struggling. I will be the first to admit I have said "I'm fine," one to many times. I decided to write about this though after an recent episode where I shut down to the point of making myself sick. After a stressful week in all aspects of life I chose to shut down my emotions and rely on my own strength. I became upset with God because I couldn't understand why I have to struggle so often. So I shut down and made no time for the Lord, can you see where this story is going? On Sunday when church started all I could think was "they know I'm faking. They can see it all over me." I started to get sick to my stomach and had to get out of the church. I ran to the van tripping up and down stairs just wanting to get out. I locked the doors and turned on Audrey Assad just to fill the silence. Minutes later someone came out to check on me, wanting me to talk, she sat in the car. I was so afraid I was going to loose it in that moment so I kept myself shut down. She slammed the door as she walked back into the church. Eventually after much meditation and prayer I walked back in and sat down for the last part of the service.
When we shut down we attempt to hide or push our emotions aside or mask them behind a ton of walls that keep us from being real. First off it is almost impossible to shut down because even if you try your hardest the emotions have already taken a toll on your face. So you might think your internalizing everything but your face says everything your trying not to. I was recently sitting in the car with someone who has been struggling and we sat in what she thought was silence but her face just screamed.... It broke my heart. I found a song that day by Audrey Assad that was utterly perfect for the topic of shutting down and how it effects other people.
"So, you lie on your bed, you won't let the morning come in. And you hide in your room, feeding that fear and it's killing you. Don't you know, that it's killing me too, cause your heart break is breaking you." [Audrey Assad- Breaking You]Last year I shut down A LOT, especially with one friend in particular. One month we'd be fine, the next I would shut her out of my life almost completely. Eventually she came to the conclusion I would come around and kinda gave up on trying, but who could blame her? In the past 8 months our relationship has grown even stronger than before but I still fight wanting to shut down on her and others quite often. I had not noticed until recently how badly it can hurt when someone shuts down in your life. I read somewhere shutting down is like sending a message through email you never meant to send but leaves the other person hurt or confused of how easily it was to shut them out, as if they don't matter. I had never intended to hurt people by shutting down, I honestly never thought of the effects on others by me shutting down. Do you? Do you shut down to try and hide your struggles from someone who probably already can see it in your face? The be prideful? To not feel like a burden? Boundaries? Or are you afraid of being real with another sister or brother in Christ? When we shut down we isolate ourselves from anyone who just wants to be present so we know we're not alone. We deny others the chance to empathize, and offer encouragement.
We have a choice in how we handle our struggles. My youth leader sent me something back in May that is a constant reminder of our choice, "this is just another trial.... It can pull you away from God or it can be something He uses to refine you and make you more like Him. When my trials have come up in my past I have let the first be true. Praying you will let God use this to draw you to Hi, and not away from Him." When you open up, be real and talk with someone it is amazing what just having someone listen and being encouraging can do. What ever your struggling doesn't seem so big when you know you have brothers and sisters praying for you. I have been so blessed to acquire an amazing support group in the last couple of years. Tonight I pray that no matter where you are in life you know that your struggles are not useless and people care and want to be there for you. Open up your heart and listen to the amazing truth God can speak to you through other people. "It can pull you away from God or it can be something He uses to refine you and make you more like Him."
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." [Hebrews 10:24-25]
