The theme for the week was the question, "What Do You Stand For?" I thought a middle school student or freshman they would really struggle with the answers more than me. I went into the week thinking I knew what I stood for; things like other people, relationships, conversation, truth and music. I was not prepared to ask myself what God wanted me to stand for. In front of a small coffee shop, I sat with my youth group as we all took a few minutes to silently pray, asking God what he wanted us to stand for:
"Lord what do I need to stand for?"
"You."
"Lord what do I need to stand for?"
"You."It seemed like I asked God that question 10 times, fearing the answer I was hearing was my own selfish desire. Each time I would ask the the answer would become louder, and more strong, bringing tears to my eyes. I knew exactly what I was being told, I didn't like what I was hearing and fought to hear something else. I continued to ask that question all week and again and again I kept hearing one word, three letters... YOU.
My biggest desire is to be able to love on my brothers and sisters in Christ, I have noticed though that I cannot adequately love on anyone when I am hating myself. There are two distinct conversations with a friend I can remember before the trip that shifted my attention to the fact that no matter what I try and change I will find something else to hate about myself. Both conversations seemed to lead themselves to how that self hatred affected how I love on people which made the truth I was hearing so hard to swallow. When I heard that voice echo inside my every being, I vowed that I would focus my eyes on the truth and how Christ sees me for the week. For once I felt empowered at the fact that I chose Jesus and truth over the lies that I feel I deserve to believe. I chose to be uncomfortable in truth rather than comfortable believing the lies.
When I made that conscious decision I was able to experience the most amazing, free, beautiful week ever. I have been known to be dramatic, but I am dead serious when I say that the trip to Michigan was the best week of my life. As I lead worship I was not at all concerned with how I sounded, or how many people sang along, but I raised my hands to our amazing God. With each song I thanked him for the gift of music I have been blessed with, worshiped and prayed so freely without a care in the world. Even as I completely screwed up the key of a song and stopped in the middle, even in my split second of humiliation, I laughed it off and just started over. The humiliation held no power over me because I wasn't doing it for the crowd, I was true to me and did it for Jesus.
I forced myself to answer the hard questions that were posed for us each day. I journaled to help myself process through any lies that would try and slip in. I laid awake one night early in the trip, my mind racing with questions of my worth to someone very important to me, someone who constantly reminds me of how much she loves me. I put my headphones in and immediately looked to the truth of life to defeat the lie that tried to consume my mind.
"Lord tonight I come to you with great thanksgiving of your beautiful truth that crosses out the lies on my heart. Lord where I believe I am unworthy and a burden you tell me that my inner self is of great worth to. If you love even that scary part of me and still tell me of my worth then I have no choice to believe."
- McKayla Audrey
Only Love Remains- JJ Heller
Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart
Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I'm a shadow
But I'm dancing in your light
Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
