Lets talk about.... shutting down.

    We struggle. That is the plain undeniable fact of life. " In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." So there you have it folks right out of the word of God in 1st Peter, we are going to struggle. How we handle this struggle is what defines the second part of that verse. The verse continues to say, "these have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." [1 Peter 1:6-7] Essentially this is amazing encouragement for anyone who finds themselves struggling. To me this is just insuring that our struggles are not useless but to refine our faith, so we can spend eternity struggle free with our Daddy, Savior, Redeemer, Rock.

    I chose to blog today about shutting down, something I am sadly a pro at, especially when I am struggling.   I will be the first to admit I have said "I'm fine," one to many times. I decided to write about this though after an recent episode where I shut down to the point of making myself sick. After a stressful week in all aspects of life I chose to shut down my emotions and rely on my own strength. I became upset with God because I couldn't understand why I have to struggle so often. So I shut down and made no time for the Lord, can you see where this story is going? On Sunday when church started all I could think was "they know I'm faking. They can see it all over me." I started to get sick to my stomach and had to get out of the church. I ran to the van tripping up and down stairs just wanting to get out. I locked the doors and turned on Audrey Assad just to fill the silence. Minutes later someone came out to check on me, wanting me to talk, she sat in the car. I was so afraid I was going to loose it in that moment so I kept myself shut down. She slammed the door as she walked back into the church. Eventually after much meditation and prayer I walked back in and sat down for the last part of the service.

    When we shut down we attempt to hide or push our emotions aside or mask them behind a ton of walls that keep us from being real. First off it is almost impossible to shut down because even if you try your hardest the emotions have already taken a toll on your face. So you might think your internalizing everything but your face says everything your trying not to. I was recently sitting in the car with someone who has been struggling and we sat in what she thought was silence but her face just screamed.... It broke my heart. I found a song that day by Audrey Assad that was utterly perfect for the topic of shutting down and how it effects other people. 

     "So, you lie on your bed, you won't let the morning come in. And you hide in your room, feeding that fear and it's killing you. Don't you know, that it's killing me too, cause your heart break is breaking you." [Audrey Assad- Breaking You]

    Last year I shut down A LOT, especially with one friend in particular. One month we'd be fine, the next I would shut her out of my life almost completely. Eventually she came to the conclusion I would come around and kinda gave up on trying, but who could blame her? In the past 8 months our relationship has grown even stronger than before but I still fight wanting to shut down on her and others quite often. I had not noticed until recently how badly it can hurt when someone shuts down in your life. I read somewhere shutting down is like sending a message through email you never meant to send but leaves the other person hurt or confused of how easily it was to shut them out, as if they don't matter. I had never intended to hurt people by shutting down, I honestly never thought of the effects on others by me shutting down. Do you? Do you shut down to try and hide your struggles from someone who probably already can see it in your face? The be prideful? To not feel like a burden? Boundaries? Or are you afraid of being real with another sister or brother in Christ? When we shut down we isolate ourselves from anyone who just wants to be present so we know we're not alone. We deny others the chance to empathize, and offer encouragement.

    We have a choice in how we handle our struggles. My youth leader sent me something back in May that is a constant reminder of our choice, "this is just another trial.... It can pull you away from God or it can be something He uses to refine you and make you more like Him. When my trials have come up in my past I have let the first be true. Praying you will let God use this to draw you to Hi, and not away from Him." When you open up, be real and talk with someone it is amazing what just having someone listen and being encouraging can do. What ever your struggling doesn't seem so big when you know you have brothers and sisters praying for you. I have been so blessed to acquire an amazing support group in the last couple of years. Tonight I pray that no matter where you are in life you know that your struggles are not useless and people care and want to be there for you. Open up your heart and listen to the amazing truth God can speak to you through other people. "It can pull you away from God or it can be something He uses to refine you and make you more like Him."

"And let us consider how we may spur one another  on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." [Hebrews 10:24-25]

 

Best of 2012

January

Started rehearsing for Peter Pan!

February 

 Wrote Remade.

March

"The old has gone, the new has come."

April

                                      

Celebrating and singing at Sarah's  baptism, our confirmation and birthday.

May

Car wash and Indians game!

June

Reconnected with my amazing big sisters in many ways, mission trip to Indy and Alive.

July

Babysitting my Trinkers

August 

Built a playground!

September

Tenth Avenue North Concert

October

Spirit Week!

November 

Turkey Olympics

December 

Sisters join forces to surprise me!

 

You are My only Exception, and I Will Love You for A Thousand Years...

      Love is a four letter word that can make me run through so many emotions sometimes. Sometimes I can lay in my room at night and cry to myself wondering if love it a lie. I look around at the world and the relationships broken and ended because love being a lie. I look at broken families with young children so confused about why mommy and daddy don't love each other. I look at young adults whose fathers or mothers were not apart their childhood. Their childhood was filled with confusion, thoughts of self worth to that parent. Tears cried as they grew up in the hidden stairwells as a young child to college dorm rooms as that feeling of unloved and the search for that love dominated years of their lives. Regardless of all of this, my wonders and fears I am often reminded of a man who lived thousands of years ago. 

      Jesus of Nazareth, born in a lowly manger. Why was he born? To save all of man kind? I would like to think so, and I would also like to think it was out of an amazing love. I mean I can't even begin to understand or fathom that kind of love... can you? I'm sitting here listening to love songs and earlier two songs that caught my heart were "The Only Exception" by Paramore that talks about really everything I have felt for awhile now. 

"Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, or keep a straight face...."

   

     The song continues to say that regardless of everything the singer believes about love she has one special person that she says is her only exception. Who for that one moment looking into their eyes she knows that he is the one. I am only 16 and I have no clue if I have met my "holy hunk" as girls in youth group call them, but I do know the feeling of looking at someone knowing that regardless of how broken I am and knowing they are the only exception. This guy can not buy me flowers or call me just to let me know they are thinking of me, but he can hold me in his strong unfailing arms and whisper to my heart that I am loved by the eternal father.   
As I lay on my couch recovering from my surgery I find myself longing to be held by arms of this world. I suddenly got the wise idea to look up love songs on Pandora (an unhealthy derision that us still playing while I'm writing this) and suddenly God spoke through my hear with Christian Perri's song "A Thousand Years"

“I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more…”

     I suddenly realized something in my longing for human arms to be wrapped around me that there was a man who died for me and is waiting for me to embrace that and him fully by being all in with my relationship and walk with the Lord. To think that someone has loved me from the moment I was created and will be loved for eternity by Jesus is so amazing tonight...
So back to the original topical or question: Is love a lie? No, because Jesus is truth. Yes people may lie and say they are in love with someone else while sleeping with someone else in the same 24 hours. Am I scared to fall in love because of the lies in my head? Yes, i cannot even begin to describe the accuracy of that statement. I don't want to be afraid to fall for my holy hunk, I want to be able to one look at him and my children one day and love them with the love of Jesus Christ. I ask that Jesus teaches me how to love others like him so people can look at me and know that love is NOT a lie. I ask that he helps me heal from my broken and scared heart. 
     I'm finishing this off a bit different with three short letters to my amazing savior, my future holy hunk and beautiful children. 

Dear Jesus,
Help me to love. Not just my future and husband and kids but every person in my life, now and forever. Help me to turn to you in times of brokenness and not the foolish wants of this world. Help me to have faith that there is someone waiting for me, maybe even thinking about me right know that you have set apart for me. Help me to faithful to my holy hunk and only love one other over him, You. Do not let me idolize him but be a man I can share my faith with and be encouraged. I thank you for being my savior, my rock, my strength, my calmness in this crazy storm called life. You will love me for a thousand years, forever. For that I am eternally thankful daddy. I ask that through your time and will you would walk me down the isle to hand my earthy hand to an amazing man that you love just as much as me. I love you so much Daddy, thank you for fighting for me. 

Dear future love of my life,
Hi darling. I'm sitting here thinking about you tonight and I just wanted to say a few things. I'm not sure if we have even met yet but I know that we will one day be best friends. I want you to know that I love you and will never stop loving and dreaming of the man God is molding you into at this point in your life. Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for making me laugh, cry tears of joy, for priceless conversations, for happiness even if we fight. I do not plan on giving up on us, I will stay faithful to you, to us. I will never stop loving you dear. I will sit here and wait until the day we fall in love. When we sit on the porch and talk about our faith with my head on you chest listening to your beautiful heart. Thank you for loving me darling, I cant wait to get old with you.

Dear Kyle Andrew and/or Kylie Ann, Luke Blake and Anne Marie,
Your names make me smile every time I think of you sweethearts. Every time I think of holding you in my arms, watching you grow up, making memories, new traditions. I am doing everything in my power to become the mother you all deserve. I promise that I will love you forever and nothing will ever change that. I will always be in your lives no matter what happens in our time together. You amazing kiddos are going to change my life and I thank you in advance. Your smiles and laughter will be the such a beautiful soundtrack to my life. You have already stole a huge piece of my heart just thinking about you. I pray more than anything that I am able to show you an unfailing love that you will never have to question. Holding you in my arms will be holding a piece of heaven one day. When that day comes never forget that mommy loves you with all her heart and soul! 

 

McKayla Audrey 
November 23 2012 

Remade: The Heart Behind the Song

    When the holidays came around as a kid you might remember the common question from family... "What do you want for Christmas?" Of course this is when you would you whip out your 11 paged Christmas color coated by importance. Then on Christmas you would wake up at some unnatural hour of the morning and run down stairs to see all those brightly wrapped presents under the tree. Now think back to the best Christmas gift you have ever gotten! Maybe your thoughts turn to a special toy, video game, or piece of technology. I will admit I will never forget the Christmas my parents hid a cell phone in the Christmas tree and I'm sure the look on my face when the tree began to ring was priceless. Now let me ask what is the all time best gift you have ever received? Thoughts again may turn to a material thing, but isn't our redemption from that baby born on Christmas Eve thousands of years ago the best gift we can ask for?

    "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we're dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5

    I wrote this song after watching the movie Save a Life, and if you have ever seen it you know it is a tear jerker. As I laid in bed after turning the movie off in the dark I began to think about my own story and the stories of the people around me. Before I knew it I was sitting up with my guitar, notebook and pen at midnight writing my first song. A few months later I found Ephesians 2:4-5 and it seemed to fit perfectly with the chorus of Remade.

"Don't you know you it's all gonna be okay? Through the cross you've been remade"

    I don't know how you are struggling but hear this truth: that things are going to be okay! I know sometimes it may not seem like it with broken relationships or tempting sin, but by the grace of Jesus Christ you are going to be okay. We are not defined by the worries of our lives. 

"When the thorns pierced his brow, he came and died to show us how. You've been remade" 

    That little baby born in that tiny manger in Bethlehem because there was no room in the inn grew up and died on a real cross, a real death for our very real sins and struggles. When He rose from the grave he left sin on the floor and by this amazing wonderful fantastic gift we are able to be remade. We are not defined by our temptations and sins. 

"You've been remade, through Christ your saved."

    I was completely blown away while writing the song at the fact that I was forgiven and not only that but I have been saved, I have been made new. You are made new by the gift of Jesus Christ that tiny little baby, that man who adores you so much that he died for you. Christ says you are not defined by anything but Him.  Ephesians 2:4-5 sums the whole song up in one long run on sentence. We loved. We are made alive in Christ even if we are dead in sin. We have been saved. Now THAT is the most amazing gift we could ever receive.      

     

Forever: The Heart Behind the Song

This was the only song I have written so far that has made me cry because of the undeniable presence of Jesus Christ. In June of my summer going into my junior year of high school I went on my first missions trip with my pastor, youth pastor and some girls from my church to Indianapolis. The trip was very emotional as I began to truly deal with issues of my past.

One night I walked into a large gym with chairs set up and a large white cross on the left the side of the dark stage. I went in to escape the craziness and spend time speaking with my amazing daddy. My pastor and youth pastor were already down there and after multiply attempts of praying on my own I asked them to pray with me.
We prayed for about 20 minutes but within the first 2 minutes I was sobbing as we prayed about my life, relationships and lies that I had started to believe.
Toward the end of the prayer my Pastor asked Christ to speak on word to my heart that night and in a very loud, strong, and most comforting voice I have ever heard "forever" began to ring in my ears. As I sat alone crying in that dark room, I tried to make sense of everything that was going on, but the only thing I could hear was "forever".
Needless to say when I got home and started to write this song tears were streaming as one word began to take shape and make sense. Psalm 89:2 says "Your unfailing love will last forever. Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens." I couldn't have said it better myself. If you hear nothing else hear this truth that HIS UNFAILING LOVE WILL LAST FOREVER. There are times in our lives that we think no one could ever love us. Maybe because of the things people told us growing up or lack of a father or mother. Maybe you gave all yourself to a false satisfaction. Regardless of your situation and baggage there was a man who carried His cross up calverys mountain, died and rose because His unfailing love will last forever.... For eternity.

"Forever YOU are mine. Forever I'm with YOU. Forever I will love YOU, when this world stands against you. Forever I will call YOU home into My arms. Forever I will love YOU."

New Look, New Attitude, New Love: Same God

   The last day of summer is always quite bittersweet and I find it this year a bit harder to let go of. Although I am excited to go back and see friends and routine it is hard to let such an amazing summer fade to the memories of all the others summers past. This summer has brought a lot of change and I am happy to say it has been mostly for the better! In summer 2011 I had told myself I was going to go out and find myself and become who I was always supposed to and that absolutely did not happen. As I entered into sophomore year I found myself more confused than anything which defiantly threw me off quite a bit. All through the year I had many amazing support systems as I started to work through the rough patches, pain and confusion. So before I say anything else I want to thank everyone who has been a supports system in the past year because its because all of you that I was able to have such a terrific summer.
    Finishing up the last school year I let my mind become consumed with the idea of loosing weight, and well I defiantly lost more than I was planning on in one summer. I'm not complaining but I will admit there was a time when it literally would consume everything I did. So for about the first 3 or 4 weeks of my summer the name of the game was see how much weight I could loose. People around started to worry about how quickly I was losing the weight, so overtime the weight loss has become much healthier. It was not always easy, but knowing I dropped 4 pant sizes in one summer is a pretty fantastic feeling. Along with the weight I also chopped off 6 or 7 inches off my hair. I have no clue why I did it but I could not be more pleased with the way it turned out! It is defiantly me and I have been told that since I first got it. It was different to hear people say "that haircut is totally you," because it seemed like that was the underlying theme of this summer without even trying.
    I have been in need of an attitude adjustment for a very very very long time is any of you don't know. I wouldn't call myself totally self centered but I have defiantly struggled with pride and jealousy in the past. As I came home from alive, the mission trip and camp this summer I really started to notice the areas in which I needed and adjustment. I have spent both of my high school years concerned about how good I was in the eyes of my choir directors or choir members. Any of my close friends can attest to the fact that when it came time for auditions I became a totally different person, a very scary person if I do say so myself. I don't want to become that person anymore, I still want to have some drive but I want to stop comparing myself to others because in all honesty I am no better or worse then any of them in the big picture. For my last two years I want to be able to make amazing relationship and just have a great time with everyone in the music program. I just want to have fun because I have been stuck up for to long and some fun is long overdo.
    Another change this year is my love and compassion for everyone around me! In the past month and a half I have found myself loving people for who they are rather than what they have done or said wrong and it is not easy people. Think about how much time you spend judging the person across from you in class or at work because they might be a little different. I am just as guilty as the next person but just because it is the easy thing to do does not by any circumstances make it the right thing to do. Think of it this way what if you were the one being judged... Now I know no one likes to feel judged so what makes it any different when we do it to others? Unless we have talked to the person and placed a genuine interest in their lives and their story how do we know what their going through? What if instead of spending the time we do judging we go over to someone and say hi? Just love them, because we all want to feel loved. This year I have challenged myself to go out in my school, and community and show people the love I have experienced this summer. Not by shoving religion down their throats but by simply being there and present for someone else. Instead of talking truly listen to what others are saying and find a way I can encourage them and pray for them on my own time. I just want to love others with no strings attached and I'm going to have to start small because change doesn't happen overnight but I hope over the course of the next year I can show everyone around me the love inside me.
    As I have slowly been able to start to find myself I find myself on my knees praising an awesome and faithful Savior. I have let a lot of what has happened this summer get between me and my relationship with Christ. So last night as I laid in bed thinking about how the last two years of my high school career start in less than 48 hours I asked that His will would be done in everything I do these next two years. God never changes and that is something you can guarantee. Through the death of his son we are forgiven from the sin of this world. What ever holds you captive from enjoying the freedom of Jesus Christ is nothing when we truly think of how much we are loved and adored by this man. So as things around me change I cling to Christ as my rock and my salvation because I know nothing we can do can change His love for us. He is always faithful and that is something so amazing to me.
    So as I head back to school I really think that I am truly in the process of letting my old self die and finding my true identity in Jesus Christ and his amazing plan for my life. I can not express how excited I am to continue on this amazing walk with Christ!!!  "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."- 2 Cor 10:5
Much love!
McKayla Audrey

Summer 2012: Pictures

As summer 2012 is coming to a close I thought i'd post some photos to sum up what I've been up to! It has been a pretty amazing summer full of surprises and amazing moments! Enjoy! Thanks to Lindsey Rapp for a lot of the pictures! Documenting every move of our lives is a great idea!

Love,
McKayla :)

Got to babysit Trinity for a week and a half at the beautiful Camp Tippecanoe!

 Started a new bible study on total surrender!

 Spend nights I wouldn't trade for the world with my best friend! 

 Meeting new friends!

 It just couldn't be summer without Starbucks!

 Jumping in the pool with your clothes on!

 Eating at my first tapas restaurant! 

 Serving with some amazing youth girls!

 Going on my first missions trip to Indianapolis and built a hoop house!

 Reconnected with an old camp counselor who has become a mentor and very close friend! 

Raising my hands to praise and AMAZING God!

 Learning how to learn music!

 Got to spend time with my third baby sister!

 Got 6 inches of my hair chopped off!

 Made the connection!

Wrote "Forever" a song inspired by prayer on the mission trip!

Although in this was in the spring got to sing at a baptism!

 Got to pray and wittness the one on the far right as she accepted Christ in her life!

 Showered in a tent!

 Got close with the most amazing youth leader ever!

 Learned to use what ever that is, so watch out!

Spend 4 days camping with theses loves at the ALIVE festival!

God worked through The ALIVE festival through the music and people in CRAZY ways!