Our day continued at the Indians game against the Twins. I knew this would be the part of my day that would truly test my patience and endurance. We met up with two of the other youth at the game and almost instantaneously my emotions took over. I became frustrated and irritable because over the past month I had grown quite jealous of one of the girls in the group. Every time I saw her I would get upset because I kept thinking she was everything I'm not. One of the most confident, beautiful, smart, sweet girls I have ever met. I became jealous of all those qualities but it wasn't all that was on my mind. I was also questioning my worth and beauty because I'm 17 and not even talking to a guy, which really bummed and bums me out. I was also struggling with the idea that I was to be replaced by that sweet girl. So for the sake of shortening things all of that combined was a big ball of gross emotions and attitude. I again became quiet as we got our seat at the game while everyone chatted. I sat in my anger and jealousy to stubborn to listen to everyone telling me to put sunscreen on, so I got fried. I kept saying I didn't care about anything, but really I care about so many things my skin just wasn't on my radar at the time. I know suffer the consequences of burns that hurt soooo bad. After a Tribe won we stuck around for a free concert from Sanctus Real which was amazing. So amazing in fact that from the minute they started to play I lost it, I had tear rolling down my face before the end of the first song. The tears continued that way until the very last song.
At the beginning I had no clue why I was even crying but by the end I had figured it out. Each song they played seemed to debunk one lie after another I have been believing as a truth. I was disappointed and mad at myself for letting my jealousy control my attitude and actions. I was mad about being jealous at all. I felt so convicted about the condition of my heart. As they sang “When I don't fit in and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. When I don't measure up to much in this life. Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ" in forgiven my youth leader grabbed my hand and the weirdest part was that exact line seemed like my life right now. Inside my head I have been telling myself I no longer fit in anywhere and I could never become anything. I have felt like a fly on the wall for the past month in many aspects of life and to hear the words that I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ with Lindsey holding one hand and the lead singer staring right at us I knew I needed to fix things. By the end of the concert due to all the tears and sunburn I dehydrated myself and had a horrible headache. Later that night when everyone went into Target I stayed in the car and made a desperate phone call crying trying to talk things out and figure out what I could do to fix it. Soon I found myself in the passenger seat going to pick up another girl for a sleepover at Lindseys being asked hard questions I really didn't want to answer. I spent the next 20 minutes answering and listening to intense responses that scared me at first. I only wanted to be heard and honestly didn't feel like that was happening. Everything Lindsey was saying was very hard for me to hear at the moment, but made me ponder for the rest of the night.
Although I tried my best to stay with all the girls at Lindseys last night the sunburn and headache were to much for me. At about 10:30 I headed home feeling defeated and exhausted in all aspects of life. Before I fell asleep I said a short prayer not knowing the words to say but forgive me for the jealousy and begging Him to help me fix it, and I am amazed at what he has done today. Today the girl I was so jealous of was being confirmed into our church and ironically I singing a solo in the church choir which doesn't happen often. As the choir practiced I was all of the sudden filled with an overwhelming peace, joy and love. I knew it was time for me to give up my jealousy and trade it for the love Christ offers and calls us all into. I knew that the only thing that could fix things was the love of Christ. Now I know that I'm not always the best with words so when it was time for the anthem I stood up look straight at her and sang "open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you." I wanted her to know how proud of her confirmation and faith. It was overwhelming and amazing that in a span of 24 hours how much my heart has changed. I stepped out in love to adopt another beautiful little sister in Christ. Tonight as we left youth group she came over and gave me a hug and I never knew something so small could bring tears to my eyes. I can only pray God continues to heal my heart and help the friendship grow. It's amazing what love can do people, never underestimate it. EVER.
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." Song of Solomon 8:6
Em and I after her beautiful confirmation
Sanctus Real concert (left) and Moonwalkers for Katie crew (bottom)
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