Hiding Behind a Mask

Im not miserable but Im not happy. Im not strong but Im not weak. Im not rude but Im not polite. Im not popular but Im not a loner. Im not sexy but Im not horrid. Im not dumb but Im no genius. Im not you but I am me. Accept it. Unknown quotes

Things have been changing in life a lot lately. Internally, externally, with friends and family. I was talking to someone a few nights back about different things in life. The topic that caught my attention though, was being real. What does it mean to be real? In my view being real is being able to be true to yourself and not be afraid to be who you are no matter what people think. With that view though many people can call me a hypocrite.

I have been hiding behind masks as long as I can remember and for being a sophomore in High School i am ashamed to say that. You are supposed to be true to who you are, but in reality I haven't quite figured out who that person is yet. People know me as different things because I will play any part you want me to. At school, I can crack jokes and be obnoxious, like someone my age is supposed to act. I of course am to mature for my own good and think way to far into everything though. I see friends who can go through life, partying on the weekends going through life without a care. It sounds nice in all but I find myself wondering whats the point of not being able to remember more than half of your high school weekends because you were to drunk or high to care.

So while my friends are out on the weekends i'm either A.) with my theater friends or B.) being the perfect little church girl. Both great passions but I will admit I play a good poker face. Let me start with church. I am in LOVE with Christ 100%. He is my reason I get up in the morning and can get through everyday. He has saved me from so many things! Without him I know where I would be and it wouldn't be pretty. So I go to church as much as I can, but i'm NOT perfect. I sin and so does everyone else but I used to find myself hiding that. I would convince myself nothing was the matter and until I would crack one day. But until then I would do everything in my power not to show you what is going on. And I still do it today. You may think you know the whole story but there are so many layers, so much I have left unsaid. Christ knows everything I have left unsaid though and I find myself turning to him when I find myself being 'fake'.

**I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:14-16**

The people who seem to know me the best are my theater family. You might think acting oh that's where you can be someone else without even think about it.Back stage though i'm a bit different. The stage truly brings out the best in me. My friends in the theater can seem my determination and hard work and just the love for the craft. Being on stage makes me heart smile and I have the best feeling when I am on or around stage. It wasn't always that way though. I used to feel not good enough anyone stage wise. This has changed quite a bit this year, for the better.

So here is the thing as I work on thing I want to eliminate the false stuff about me and be the same person around everyone. I want to be able to worship Jesus and help spread his love to others but be able to belt a high C that can fill a huge theater when needed. Here is my challenge for you: DON'T BE FAKE! You can only hide one side of you from someone for a short time. I will be personally working on this in the coming months! Thank you to everyone who is by my side and praying for me! I

Thank You 2011!

Like many others I spent my New Years eve with an old friend and her family! It was a great time, we even created a new game called balloon ball (a combination of soccer and volleyball I guess.) I know for many people 2011 was difficult and even I thought 2011 was tied for worst year school wise because it is kicking my butt. This week though it really hit me how blessed I was this year in my acting and singing, to people who have helped me SO much and stayed by my side! I want to take the time to thank a few people.
First off my family: I loved spending Christmas in FL with everyone, we all got along and didn't fight! I want to thank my family for the support you have given me over the years. I am so grateful to have such amazing family members who love and care for me! Even though I don't show or say how thankful I am for you all I really am!
Mom: thank you for an AMAZING trip to NYC! it was great to enjoy my soo to be home with my mommy! You Are always looking out for me and putting up with ALL my crap! I love you!
Daddy: yOu always make me smile! Your a dork and I love you for it! I love when you sing in the car (NOT) but it does always cheer me up! Thank you for everything this year as I deal with my emotions and crap! Oh and thanks for being my personal taxi driver <3
Mollie: I LOVE YOU TO DEATH! The world hasn't seen best friends until they have met us! We are complete opposites, literally you are so outgoing and I'm incredibly shy around people I don't know and you just go up and say "hello". That's an inspiration to me! We have both helped each other lots! Laughed together and cried together! You are an amazing friend. God has a great sence of humor :)
Deb: hmmm well I have told you all of this before but if you wouldn't have had me audition for that christmas show I wouldn't be on stage and I'd prolly be planning on doing something I hate for the rest of my life! You have helped me rediscover my dreams of being in NYC and being an actress! You have been a constant in my life since 7th grade and have always looked out for me like family! In fact I consiter you more like family now! I love you dearly and will miss you so much when you go back to NYC.
Marilyn: well I've really only known you since August I guess! Weird seeing as if we are so close! I loved all of our dressing room conversations with Madison because I felt like in a way we had some things in common. You have helped me through alot these past few months and I can honestly say I don't know what I'd do without you. You were here when I felt like no one was and I thank you for that! I love and miss you tons!
And finally Lindsey: you are the best youth leader ever! You and I have really connected and have alot more in common than I could ever imagin! Our conversations vary quite often from cracking each other up to having a really serious conversation that makes you sit there and think ALOT! You have given me someone semi-closer to my age to look up to just like an oldersister! And of course with an older sister comes the annoyance back and forth. I love the fact that we are both so stubborn with our "I don't know's" AKA I don't want to think about it that we use that word annoyance! Anywho, thank you for being a great friend and someone I could confide in completely!

“One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years”

Wednesday night my mom got an email from work about a trip to New York City for the holidays. She brought it up jokingly but as the night went on we began to see that this trip was quite manageable so we decided that night that were going to spend the first weekend in December in New York City.

Friday was a great day as a collective whole. I got out of all my classes but two for the day so that I could go sing with the HiNotes at different places for the holidays. It was a lot of fun and really started my Christmas season off with a bang. When i got home, we shipped my sister to my grandmas while my dad and my other sister were hunting. Then the fun began we ran around town trying to get ready for the trip, get a map and some batteries (which sucked BTW went through a whole pack to take 80 pictures). At around 9:30 we got to Mom's work and loaded the bus, by 10:00 we were on our way to NYC, and I was so excited that it took me until 12:45 to finally even consider going to sleep. I couldn't believe the place I so often dream about is about to be right in front of me.

Saturday we got up at around 6:00 to get ready and then be into the city by 8:00. I was exhausted when i woke up so after I changed i went back into the bus and slept until we got to the city. I woke myself up right before we went through the Lincoln Tunnel and and got to see the city sky line and my heart leaped right off the ground. I began to get nervous through started asking myself what if the city isn't everything I thought it would be? When we first got there I was overwhelmed and Mom and I started arguing within 15 minutes of being there. I did the best I could to end the argument and just as I did we entered Time Square. I could feel everything in my body tingling as cliche as that sounds. We at breakfast in Time Square at a place called "Brooklyn Diner." Here's the funny part, our hostess that morning is an actress. You could just tell, I think us actresses and actors just have an air about them that screams what they do. The thing that I loved the most though is when she could tell in return I was an actress and said "come join us."

"Come join us," got me hooked. I started of looking at things in a new light. Started to notice things i hadn't before. The people in NYC were different then the people where I live and not just because there are thousand more but where I'm from everyone seems well cookie cutter to afraid to be themselves. While in New York you didn't see two of the same person they all had their own identity, something I have been trying to claim for a long time. The streets are filled with different languages like Spanish, Russian, French, German and so many others. All sounding so beautiful as they blended with the sounds from the streets.

We spent the rest of our day walking to various places. We sent a lot of time at Lincoln Square seeing The Lincoln Center, Julliard and the Julliard store. This really made New York feel like home. I saw many students and many different art forms and it really made me think about how backward NYC is compared to the rest of the world. The rest of the world yells get a realistic future while NYC screams I'M RIGHT HERE, FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, and it is truly a city for the arts. We had lunch in central park and then attempted to go down to 'Little Italy' for dinner. We got a little lost and walked around pretty much aimlessly for about an hour before we got a taxi. When we got to 'Little Italy' i started to tense up a little but as we sat on the curb I became used to it. Dinner was pretty good had New York pizza which was fabulous, got some cheese cakes for my moms friends and then headed back to the meeting place to start heading home.

When all boarded the bus they told us they were going to drop us off at 45th and 8th, which is about a block away from time square. We only had about 40 minutes so we quickly ran to Starbucks to get something to warm us up and then we headed to Time Square. This was when I finally knew I was going to live here one day. The pull I have been feeling is something that can never go away. The city is more then just way of life i concluded as i stood on the corner of 45th and 8th sipping on Starbucks and waiting for the bus. Here it is, New York City is not a way of life, no it's something much more then that it's everything I have been yearning for since I started in the business, and what a wonderful business it is. The sounds and sights are pluses but the feeling I get when I'm there trumps that all. This city has a pulse that matches with the heart I have and one day I will call this city: HOME...

This weekend marked one week since the Christmas show I was in. It was truly and amazing experience to be on the palace stage. First off I'm going to start to give you a run down on tech week.

If any of you are involved in theater you may know tech week or in other words "hell" week! Why? Because this is the week where you either watch the show really take life or you will see it crash and burn. We start on Tuesday, we rehearsed our last time at Fieldcrest and this rehursal was not much of an indicator as most of us were quite comfortable there. Wednesday was our first night at the palace and we only ran Act 1. We left at 9:30 p.m, and it was not necessarily a long rehursal but we did get a lot done, maybe not on stage but off stage. My dressing room consisted of my mom in the show (Marilyn) my sister in the show (Maddi) and my aunt in the show (Janet).

During our breaks this night Marilyn and Maddi and I would sit down there and really just get to know each other better. We talked about everything under the sun. We had some much needed vent time, some time to just let our shoulders down and exhale."Mother cannot guide you. Now you're on your own. Only me beside you. Still, you're not alone." This quote from the song "No One is Alone" seemed to be a topic that came up within the dressing rooms quite often. Most conversations quite comforting.

Thursday was our longest

night i believe. Our whole cast had finally come and now it was a matter of figuring out the logistics. We didn't get off the stage until 11:45, quite a late night to say the least. Why did this take so long? Because to be honest we had never run the Second Act. It was a night to start

and stop. I loved every minute of it though, being on that stage was so amazing! Friday was our dress rehursal, we ran the show twice. The first time we ran it, it was HORRIBLE! So we ran it again, and naturally the second time was much better. After the show Maddi and I went to Marilyn and Kevin's house for the night. Marilyn made us some hot chocolate and then we all sat down to watch "Drop Dead Gorgeous" and I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. Maddi and i ended that very late night with a long talk about life and everything the stage means to us. I cherish conversations like this because i love learning life lessons and helping Little Maddi well she's not

so little anymore.

Saturday was an amazing day! The first show was my favorite though, because I just felt 100% into character, and i just loved the feeling i had on that stage. Like nothing I had ever felt before. After the first show we all hung out in the dressing rooms, and i was almost about to fall asleep when Maddi and i got the news there was a talent agent at the show. That day they told both of us that they were interested in us. Deborah shared in our excitement, but it soon wore off as i began to think of leaving all of these inspirational people. We finished the last song and I swear i left my heart on that stage. You may think i'm being dramatic, but it's only the truth. You can ask anyone at dinner that night, i was very distant because i couldn't stop thinking about the stage and how i felt on it. Apart of something, i felt like i finally fit in somewhere. I felt loved, by everyone who surrounded me, and i loved them more than anything for the lessons they taught me, and the laughs and tears we shared. And at midnight we all split our separate ways.

Without a doubt Sunday was the hardest day. If you left people who were like you're family, and you didn't know when you would see them again how would you feel? Why am I writing this? Because of a comment that really shook me this week. How can you not make a connection with your cast members??? Making friends is something that i know is hard for people and for the first time i really connected to this cast and i would hope people could understand that! The day after a show stings because you will miss all of the fun of just being on stage and because YOU MADE FRIENDS IN THE SHOW THAT YOU MIGHT JUST MISS! Though i wouldn't expect everyone to understand, you know if you have to hate on me because i had one down day then go for it, it might hurt for a day or two but you will get over it all. Until you have been in a show like this, you may never know what the day after a show feels like. So i would love it if you let me feel my feelings and let me get over it on my own or at least with the help of my family! Lecturing isn't going to change anything!

I miss the stage still, but i am over those feelings about the people because i know i will see them again soon. I had an amazing time on this show and i want to thank everyone who has believed in me and kept me going! YOU are the reason i keep going! Much love!

**NYC BOUND**

With A Little Help From My Friends

Guidance

© Jesi Manatrey

Some things are just too big For us to over see Some things are just impossible For us to ever be These things are not us They're just someone living inside We really are just teenagers Who have a hard time with our pride This is w

ho we all are We’re a different kind of group Sometimes we might do things That will through you through a loop But that’s how we are Messy and unstable Maybe we just need Some

one to guide us to the table.

I began with a poem that i am going to use for class to describe how we all feel a

t some point in our lives! Life throws so much at you, you cant always deal with it on your own. The picture above if from a church activity with another church in the area. To be honest i didn't really want to go at first ya know just nerves i guess, but can i tell you i haven't been so moved in one night in my life! At the worship service around midnight, the youth pastor from the other church had a message on how God knows us, all of the good, and all of the bad of course! We did an activity where he gave us a piece of paper with a few questions about everything he talked about, but it came very deep for me. We all have things that we wish had never happened and that night i could feel His arms around me as i cried for forgiveness.

The person who came to my side though that night was my youth pastor. Her and i have become more of friends, which at times makes me wonder. I don't want us being friends to interfere with her having adult friends in the church. I will say haw much i do appreciate her being there for me all of the time! It became apparent to me that night at the lock in how much having a friend your age in a youth setting can effect the experience. I know she was having a blast with all of the chaperons and likewise i was having a blast with the youth. I did give her a bit of crap for it at first, more like teasing saying "go hang out with your adult friends" or something like that which was very inappropriate on my part. But right when the tears came as i sat and cried to God she came over and tried to comfort me. There was so much emotion in me so much i wanted to tell her. I couldn't bring myself to do it, until last night. I told her everything, all of the pain and suffering. You know how good it feels to be able to confide in someone who is older than you? That can help you see past the the small stuff! I am so so so so so GRATEFUL for our interesting friendship.

To finish, the show is going AWESOME! I love the cast and crew! You should all plan to come see us on November 12th 2011 at the Palace Theater, with one show at 2 and one at 8. Ticters are $25, and so worth it!

God Bless!!!

Growing Pains

Life has gotten so crazy since I posted on here last! I finished out my year at Fieldcrest and to be honest I am so happy to be free of all the drama and "stuff". As i finished my freshman year in High School I was ready to give up singing and preforming forever! So I spent my summer working as a babysitter and a Counselor In Training at Camp Tippecanoe to try and find myself again, but i couldn't find myself there. I did learn A LOT though! Some was good some was bad, lost relationships with many of my old friends but made some amazing new ones! God was working in so many ways this summer! Well last night I found out someone I am very close to is moving back to her "Big city" where I can clearly see her heart is forever! I won't lie, when i got the message i did cry for quite awhile last night. I am so happy for her though that she is going back and will be happy!

So, I have been so blessed to have my director, teacher and dear friend Deb with me even though everything these past few months and all through 7th grade. You could see through all of her pictures from her trip to New York that she was truly at peace with herself!

I met Deb in 2008 at an acting class that my voice teacher recommended me for. What do I remember from that class? Deb asked us "when did the bug bite you?" I thought she was crazy so I gave so whacked up answer. Now i can tell you, that day was the day the bug bit me! I've been infected with the need to be on stage! Her and i bonded over this infection, and she has been there for me ever since. Even in my most dramatic moments there she is, waiting with open arms and ready to help with what ever she can. I am eternally grateful for that.

Two months ago she texted me and asked why i wasn't auditioning for her show and i came up with some silly excuse! Once we got into a deeper conversation she pulled me in, because i remembered how much i missed being on stage, and if anyone could help me it would be her. After my audition she told me I totally nailed the song and I finally felt it, everything I have been working for. Acceptance in the theater world, I did something right. High school theater is vicious, there's always someone better than me no matter what i do. Not here, not now! So now i am back in business as an actress currently in the show "An Old Fashioned Canton Christmas." as a lead family member that plays on November 12th at the Palace Theater!

So I'm growing up, slowly but surly as we all are. I just have to keep my head up and just keep believing and "Dare To Fail" as Deb says! I will miss you tons Deb, you may never know how much i appreciate you but have done so much for me! I will have an excuse to go to New York! You have made a difference in so many peoples lives! Love ya!

NEW YORK HERE I COME!

New York After Dark

Sorry about the lack of posts! But here is the latest "Preforming arts" news. I will be in a musical on March 23&24th! It is called New York After Dark! This will include music from hit musicals including, Wicked, Chours Line, Rent, Lion King, Spring Awakening, Tarzan and many more stay tuned to the 3 blogs I have Camp Tippecanoe Lovers, Rent the Musical and Preforming arts lover 4 more info!