The Life Cycle of a Butterfly

    Yesterday was such beautiful day; 70 degrees,  flowers blooming, lawn mowers running, children playing and the birds singing. A beautiful perfect spring day that can stop anyone in their tracks by its magnificent beauty. Although fall is my favorite season, spring comes in a close second. Spring to me represents new life in so many ways. After a long, silent, barren, cold, empty winter the world outside begins to come alive again. Suddenly the birds fly back home and the first sounds of spring wake you each day. The trees begin to bud with color again, the flowers pop up and the grass sways beautifully in the soft air. How about this for new life, after a long transformation from ugly caterpillar, butterflies begin to break free from their chrysalis to embrace their new life.
    What a beautiful transformation we are able to witness each spring to remind us of our new life. As human beings we make many physical transformations but none so magnificent to change all of our physical being into something new. Although we can't transform into a beautiful, colorful, new creature our spiritual lives are able to be drastically changed, just like the butterfly.
    A butterfly's life span is anywhere from 21-25 days and goes through three stages to adulthood of life in those short days. As Christians there is no set "stages" of our walk with Christ, but I challenge you with the idea that the Christian Church is trapped inside something like a caterpillars chrysalis. Christians are held back from completing the transformation needed to become that completely new being.
    Each of us were obviously born into situations out of our control. In the life of the caterpillar each one hatches up without a parent in sight. Some of us were born into a loving Christian home, some with both parents never knowing Jesus, some with one parent who knew of Jesus but chose worldly satisfaction instead, and some like the caterpillar without parents, questioning their worth. There are so many unique situations people grow up in that can basically make or break you.  Some people like me and my sisters were baptised as babies out of tradition in the Church we attended at the time. We knew nothing of the life we were about to begin, we were so young we didn't understand the choice our parents had made for us. Although baptised as a baby I believe as people mature they desire to make the choice to follow God on their own. Regardless of how and when you were baptised there comes a time in our lives where we finally make a conscious decision to follow our Savior and just like the caterpillar going into the chrysalis, we trade our ugly sinful lives for God's loving transformation.
    For about a week the caterpillar stays inside its safe chrysalis transforming each day. This seems to be the longest process in both the life of the butterfly and our lives. We stay safe in Gods arms but through the transformation we are held back from achieving our new bodies. Things that might hold the individual back is obviously sin like lust, drunkenness, impurity, jealousy, idolatry and deceitful lies. But what about the things that hold the Christian Church back as a whole? What if all the time we spent fighting about gay marriage, whether or not a man or women can lead a church, what members can or cannot do, or what people dress like for church, and started to love out loud, stop judging people, and reach out in love to change the world? Why do we spend our time condemning people rather than reaching out to show them love? It could not be more clear in 1 John 4:19 that because God loved us first, we are called to love others. It doesn't say because God loved us first only love the straight, the men, the pure, the law abiding citizen. So how could the church fully transform into its new being by loving only the people they believe are worthy of being loved? We turn away some of the people who need Christ the most, that can't be what Christ came to earth to do. He filled His days on earth with people who were the social outcasts. He took Levi or better known as Matthew the tax collector and asked him to follow him. He saved the women caught in adultery from being stoned. When he did that He destroyed legalism that said because of her sin she was to be killed. He loved her regardless of the sin she was trapped in, He loved her enough to make obvious enemies of the pharisees who would later spit in his face. We all sin, we have no place to judge because guess what? Sin is sin.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.- Matthew 7:1-5

    It isn't over though. A caterpillar doesn't just give up on the transformation no matter how hard it may be, no matter what holds it back whether personal or legalistic. We can all be hopeful although we are trapped in our chrysalis because there is a way to break free. It may be hard, and take a lot of time and effort. It may exhaust you, but it is the measure we must take to be free. Become new. Love. Thats it. Such a simple word. Like a parent loves their child. Like a man loves his wife. Like God adores all of us, our call is to go out and love others. In 1 Peter 4:8, Peter tells the reader that above anything else we are to love each other. He continues to say something profound, "because love covers over a multitude of sins." So with love we are able to break free from all those things that once held us back. Its a matter of not only making the decision to follow but to take action. Love out loud. Reach out to the broken hearted. Help lead the lost back to their Fathers extended arms. Step out of your comfort zone in the name of love. Build those relationships. Share those beautiful God moments. Let God transform you without any resistance for He wants to make a new beautiful life out of the ugly old one. Take the step with love in your heart and compassion in each action you take. In the words of our amazing Daddy, "Look I am making ALL things new..."

Finding Healing in Caffeinated Conversations

    Being new to coffee, tonight I found healing at the bottom of my caramel macchiato while enjoying caffeinated conversations.
    As I glanced out the window looking out on the pink and orange sky I turned and asked, " So how's your walk with Jesus?" A simple question with a simple answer from both of us: better. 
    Last time I got to hang out one on one with my caffeine intoxicated friend was about 4 months ago over Christmas break. Our schedules both got busy with musical and speech and family. We seemed to stop making time for each other to not only to hang out but even to talk or text. We both let our friendship slip off to the side as we continued on with life. I began to notice changes in the friendship but let it roll off my back at first thinking that maybe I was reading into something. During this time I spent once a week working on healing, and finding who I am in Christ in counseling. I was forcing myself to look in His word to find the truth to murder the deadly lies that fill my head. The first time my friend and I talked she pulled me to the side and gave me her version of what was supposed to be a "motivational" talk about lies that were running my life. I instantly wanted to cry, and if we wouldn't have been at track I would have. It was hard to hear her words when I felt she had no clue what was going on and that she didn't care. All I heard was a lecture that made me upset. This was in March. We were still able to be friendly and make small talk together but I felt very shut down to the fact that something had changed in or friendship. A friendship we have always fought for even when obstacles like guys, bad influences and sin got in the way. It now felt like a struggle just to be around each other and I don't think it was one sided. For about two months we spend an hour or so at track having a friendly smile that never lasted past when we pulled out of the driveway.
    Little did I know during this time Christ was doing something so amazing. He was breaking both my friend and I and putting the pieces back together piece by piece. I kept thinking a huge piece was missing though and tonight I can tell you I was right. While my friend worked on herself and her walk with Christ I had recently been working on how to confront someone in a healthy way with my counselor, and it came in handy very soon after. Almost two weeks after dedicating myself to quit being so passive I was put through a test. A test that would bring the friendship full circle. Sometime this week I asked my friend for a ride home because my parents would be busy. The response I got hurt more than I was expecting it to. I at first needed to give myself time to process my emotions and thoughts. I ran hard far away from her during track and finally had the confrontation 20 minutes later. I started by saying that everything I said was out of love and finally told her how I felt. I felt our friendship had become an inconvenience to us both. I fought to keep myself composed. We finished the conversation on good terms but both fearing of how far our friendship had truly fallen to the side.
    Tonight as we talked about our walks, I found healing, forgiveness and hope. It was profound when I finally looked back at all the work both of us have been doing on ourselves in the past 4 months. We needed that time to focus on fixing our hearts on what is right and true. I believe Christ broke us down to help us rebuild our relationship on His steady rock. Its amazing to truly look at how our friendship was and how tonight was so much different. Rooted in our love for our amazing savior. Filled with laughter and love. Its truly amazing to see the change I am making in my heart. I am able to find the healing I have needed in the simplest of things. I have become a lover rather than a fighter. Laughter fills my days rather than darkness and tears. God has truly been working and I believe Mollie and my relationship can only go up from here with Christ at the center. Its amazing what beauty can come from ashes. I hopeful and excited what God has in store for our friendship as we move into senior year.
Heres to healing in caffeinated conversations.

Lets talk about.... shutting down.

    We struggle. That is the plain undeniable fact of life. " In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." So there you have it folks right out of the word of God in 1st Peter, we are going to struggle. How we handle this struggle is what defines the second part of that verse. The verse continues to say, "these have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." [1 Peter 1:6-7] Essentially this is amazing encouragement for anyone who finds themselves struggling. To me this is just insuring that our struggles are not useless but to refine our faith, so we can spend eternity struggle free with our Daddy, Savior, Redeemer, Rock.

    I chose to blog today about shutting down, something I am sadly a pro at, especially when I am struggling.   I will be the first to admit I have said "I'm fine," one to many times. I decided to write about this though after an recent episode where I shut down to the point of making myself sick. After a stressful week in all aspects of life I chose to shut down my emotions and rely on my own strength. I became upset with God because I couldn't understand why I have to struggle so often. So I shut down and made no time for the Lord, can you see where this story is going? On Sunday when church started all I could think was "they know I'm faking. They can see it all over me." I started to get sick to my stomach and had to get out of the church. I ran to the van tripping up and down stairs just wanting to get out. I locked the doors and turned on Audrey Assad just to fill the silence. Minutes later someone came out to check on me, wanting me to talk, she sat in the car. I was so afraid I was going to loose it in that moment so I kept myself shut down. She slammed the door as she walked back into the church. Eventually after much meditation and prayer I walked back in and sat down for the last part of the service.

    When we shut down we attempt to hide or push our emotions aside or mask them behind a ton of walls that keep us from being real. First off it is almost impossible to shut down because even if you try your hardest the emotions have already taken a toll on your face. So you might think your internalizing everything but your face says everything your trying not to. I was recently sitting in the car with someone who has been struggling and we sat in what she thought was silence but her face just screamed.... It broke my heart. I found a song that day by Audrey Assad that was utterly perfect for the topic of shutting down and how it effects other people. 

     "So, you lie on your bed, you won't let the morning come in. And you hide in your room, feeding that fear and it's killing you. Don't you know, that it's killing me too, cause your heart break is breaking you." [Audrey Assad- Breaking You]

    Last year I shut down A LOT, especially with one friend in particular. One month we'd be fine, the next I would shut her out of my life almost completely. Eventually she came to the conclusion I would come around and kinda gave up on trying, but who could blame her? In the past 8 months our relationship has grown even stronger than before but I still fight wanting to shut down on her and others quite often. I had not noticed until recently how badly it can hurt when someone shuts down in your life. I read somewhere shutting down is like sending a message through email you never meant to send but leaves the other person hurt or confused of how easily it was to shut them out, as if they don't matter. I had never intended to hurt people by shutting down, I honestly never thought of the effects on others by me shutting down. Do you? Do you shut down to try and hide your struggles from someone who probably already can see it in your face? The be prideful? To not feel like a burden? Boundaries? Or are you afraid of being real with another sister or brother in Christ? When we shut down we isolate ourselves from anyone who just wants to be present so we know we're not alone. We deny others the chance to empathize, and offer encouragement.

    We have a choice in how we handle our struggles. My youth leader sent me something back in May that is a constant reminder of our choice, "this is just another trial.... It can pull you away from God or it can be something He uses to refine you and make you more like Him. When my trials have come up in my past I have let the first be true. Praying you will let God use this to draw you to Hi, and not away from Him." When you open up, be real and talk with someone it is amazing what just having someone listen and being encouraging can do. What ever your struggling doesn't seem so big when you know you have brothers and sisters praying for you. I have been so blessed to acquire an amazing support group in the last couple of years. Tonight I pray that no matter where you are in life you know that your struggles are not useless and people care and want to be there for you. Open up your heart and listen to the amazing truth God can speak to you through other people. "It can pull you away from God or it can be something He uses to refine you and make you more like Him."

"And let us consider how we may spur one another  on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." [Hebrews 10:24-25]

 

Best of 2012

January

Started rehearsing for Peter Pan!

February 

 Wrote Remade.

March

"The old has gone, the new has come."

April

                                      

Celebrating and singing at Sarah's  baptism, our confirmation and birthday.

May

Car wash and Indians game!

June

Reconnected with my amazing big sisters in many ways, mission trip to Indy and Alive.

July

Babysitting my Trinkers

August 

Built a playground!

September

Tenth Avenue North Concert

October

Spirit Week!

November 

Turkey Olympics

December 

Sisters join forces to surprise me!

 

You are My only Exception, and I Will Love You for A Thousand Years...

      Love is a four letter word that can make me run through so many emotions sometimes. Sometimes I can lay in my room at night and cry to myself wondering if love it a lie. I look around at the world and the relationships broken and ended because love being a lie. I look at broken families with young children so confused about why mommy and daddy don't love each other. I look at young adults whose fathers or mothers were not apart their childhood. Their childhood was filled with confusion, thoughts of self worth to that parent. Tears cried as they grew up in the hidden stairwells as a young child to college dorm rooms as that feeling of unloved and the search for that love dominated years of their lives. Regardless of all of this, my wonders and fears I am often reminded of a man who lived thousands of years ago. 

      Jesus of Nazareth, born in a lowly manger. Why was he born? To save all of man kind? I would like to think so, and I would also like to think it was out of an amazing love. I mean I can't even begin to understand or fathom that kind of love... can you? I'm sitting here listening to love songs and earlier two songs that caught my heart were "The Only Exception" by Paramore that talks about really everything I have felt for awhile now. 

"Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, or keep a straight face...."

   

     The song continues to say that regardless of everything the singer believes about love she has one special person that she says is her only exception. Who for that one moment looking into their eyes she knows that he is the one. I am only 16 and I have no clue if I have met my "holy hunk" as girls in youth group call them, but I do know the feeling of looking at someone knowing that regardless of how broken I am and knowing they are the only exception. This guy can not buy me flowers or call me just to let me know they are thinking of me, but he can hold me in his strong unfailing arms and whisper to my heart that I am loved by the eternal father.   
As I lay on my couch recovering from my surgery I find myself longing to be held by arms of this world. I suddenly got the wise idea to look up love songs on Pandora (an unhealthy derision that us still playing while I'm writing this) and suddenly God spoke through my hear with Christian Perri's song "A Thousand Years"

“I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more…”

     I suddenly realized something in my longing for human arms to be wrapped around me that there was a man who died for me and is waiting for me to embrace that and him fully by being all in with my relationship and walk with the Lord. To think that someone has loved me from the moment I was created and will be loved for eternity by Jesus is so amazing tonight...
So back to the original topical or question: Is love a lie? No, because Jesus is truth. Yes people may lie and say they are in love with someone else while sleeping with someone else in the same 24 hours. Am I scared to fall in love because of the lies in my head? Yes, i cannot even begin to describe the accuracy of that statement. I don't want to be afraid to fall for my holy hunk, I want to be able to one look at him and my children one day and love them with the love of Jesus Christ. I ask that Jesus teaches me how to love others like him so people can look at me and know that love is NOT a lie. I ask that he helps me heal from my broken and scared heart. 
     I'm finishing this off a bit different with three short letters to my amazing savior, my future holy hunk and beautiful children. 

Dear Jesus,
Help me to love. Not just my future and husband and kids but every person in my life, now and forever. Help me to turn to you in times of brokenness and not the foolish wants of this world. Help me to have faith that there is someone waiting for me, maybe even thinking about me right know that you have set apart for me. Help me to faithful to my holy hunk and only love one other over him, You. Do not let me idolize him but be a man I can share my faith with and be encouraged. I thank you for being my savior, my rock, my strength, my calmness in this crazy storm called life. You will love me for a thousand years, forever. For that I am eternally thankful daddy. I ask that through your time and will you would walk me down the isle to hand my earthy hand to an amazing man that you love just as much as me. I love you so much Daddy, thank you for fighting for me. 

Dear future love of my life,
Hi darling. I'm sitting here thinking about you tonight and I just wanted to say a few things. I'm not sure if we have even met yet but I know that we will one day be best friends. I want you to know that I love you and will never stop loving and dreaming of the man God is molding you into at this point in your life. Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for making me laugh, cry tears of joy, for priceless conversations, for happiness even if we fight. I do not plan on giving up on us, I will stay faithful to you, to us. I will never stop loving you dear. I will sit here and wait until the day we fall in love. When we sit on the porch and talk about our faith with my head on you chest listening to your beautiful heart. Thank you for loving me darling, I cant wait to get old with you.

Dear Kyle Andrew and/or Kylie Ann, Luke Blake and Anne Marie,
Your names make me smile every time I think of you sweethearts. Every time I think of holding you in my arms, watching you grow up, making memories, new traditions. I am doing everything in my power to become the mother you all deserve. I promise that I will love you forever and nothing will ever change that. I will always be in your lives no matter what happens in our time together. You amazing kiddos are going to change my life and I thank you in advance. Your smiles and laughter will be the such a beautiful soundtrack to my life. You have already stole a huge piece of my heart just thinking about you. I pray more than anything that I am able to show you an unfailing love that you will never have to question. Holding you in my arms will be holding a piece of heaven one day. When that day comes never forget that mommy loves you with all her heart and soul! 

 

McKayla Audrey 
November 23 2012 

Remade: The Heart Behind the Song

    When the holidays came around as a kid you might remember the common question from family... "What do you want for Christmas?" Of course this is when you would you whip out your 11 paged Christmas color coated by importance. Then on Christmas you would wake up at some unnatural hour of the morning and run down stairs to see all those brightly wrapped presents under the tree. Now think back to the best Christmas gift you have ever gotten! Maybe your thoughts turn to a special toy, video game, or piece of technology. I will admit I will never forget the Christmas my parents hid a cell phone in the Christmas tree and I'm sure the look on my face when the tree began to ring was priceless. Now let me ask what is the all time best gift you have ever received? Thoughts again may turn to a material thing, but isn't our redemption from that baby born on Christmas Eve thousands of years ago the best gift we can ask for?

    "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we're dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5

    I wrote this song after watching the movie Save a Life, and if you have ever seen it you know it is a tear jerker. As I laid in bed after turning the movie off in the dark I began to think about my own story and the stories of the people around me. Before I knew it I was sitting up with my guitar, notebook and pen at midnight writing my first song. A few months later I found Ephesians 2:4-5 and it seemed to fit perfectly with the chorus of Remade.

"Don't you know you it's all gonna be okay? Through the cross you've been remade"

    I don't know how you are struggling but hear this truth: that things are going to be okay! I know sometimes it may not seem like it with broken relationships or tempting sin, but by the grace of Jesus Christ you are going to be okay. We are not defined by the worries of our lives. 

"When the thorns pierced his brow, he came and died to show us how. You've been remade" 

    That little baby born in that tiny manger in Bethlehem because there was no room in the inn grew up and died on a real cross, a real death for our very real sins and struggles. When He rose from the grave he left sin on the floor and by this amazing wonderful fantastic gift we are able to be remade. We are not defined by our temptations and sins. 

"You've been remade, through Christ your saved."

    I was completely blown away while writing the song at the fact that I was forgiven and not only that but I have been saved, I have been made new. You are made new by the gift of Jesus Christ that tiny little baby, that man who adores you so much that he died for you. Christ says you are not defined by anything but Him.  Ephesians 2:4-5 sums the whole song up in one long run on sentence. We loved. We are made alive in Christ even if we are dead in sin. We have been saved. Now THAT is the most amazing gift we could ever receive.      

     

Forever: The Heart Behind the Song

This was the only song I have written so far that has made me cry because of the undeniable presence of Jesus Christ. In June of my summer going into my junior year of high school I went on my first missions trip with my pastor, youth pastor and some girls from my church to Indianapolis. The trip was very emotional as I began to truly deal with issues of my past.

One night I walked into a large gym with chairs set up and a large white cross on the left the side of the dark stage. I went in to escape the craziness and spend time speaking with my amazing daddy. My pastor and youth pastor were already down there and after multiply attempts of praying on my own I asked them to pray with me.
We prayed for about 20 minutes but within the first 2 minutes I was sobbing as we prayed about my life, relationships and lies that I had started to believe.
Toward the end of the prayer my Pastor asked Christ to speak on word to my heart that night and in a very loud, strong, and most comforting voice I have ever heard "forever" began to ring in my ears. As I sat alone crying in that dark room, I tried to make sense of everything that was going on, but the only thing I could hear was "forever".
Needless to say when I got home and started to write this song tears were streaming as one word began to take shape and make sense. Psalm 89:2 says "Your unfailing love will last forever. Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens." I couldn't have said it better myself. If you hear nothing else hear this truth that HIS UNFAILING LOVE WILL LAST FOREVER. There are times in our lives that we think no one could ever love us. Maybe because of the things people told us growing up or lack of a father or mother. Maybe you gave all yourself to a false satisfaction. Regardless of your situation and baggage there was a man who carried His cross up calverys mountain, died and rose because His unfailing love will last forever.... For eternity.

"Forever YOU are mine. Forever I'm with YOU. Forever I will love YOU, when this world stands against you. Forever I will call YOU home into My arms. Forever I will love YOU."