Deer In The Headlights

You know the saying "deer in the headlights," well I got to experience this in its literal context a few weekends ago. After a night of fellowship with some friends at their lake house, we were on our way home and I was getting tired sitting in the passenger seat. Out of no where a deer ran out into the street and stopped right in front of our small car. My dad slammed on the breaks and I crouched into the fetal position in the front seat and we hit the deer. I didn't see the deer roll on top of the car because my eyes were shut and my head was in my arms. I waited though for a second for an air bag but it never exploded, but if it would have a neck injury could have landed me in the hospital. A few days before all of this two of my friends saw me explode about things that truly have no importance after hitting the deer. I spent all Friday being upset, but later that night for the first time I was truly able to give it to God and let go. Saturday morning I mulched for someone at our church with one the sister of one of the girls I exploded at. I can't lie I was still a bit bitter and it would have been much easier to start venting to her sister but I found that her and I clicked in other ways other than ragging on her older sister. I found a sister that adores her older sister and made tings much easier for me. I spent most of the evening with a bunch of kid 8+ years younger than me. They made laugh, smile and even question my sanity a bit, but for the first time in a long time I felt like a kid again. So from the moment i saw the whites of the  eyes of the deer to the time we hit it with my eyes closed, I was praying harder than ever. Praying for God to step into the situation of the accident and my life and to help us all be safe. Many people might not be able to find glory or a blessing in any of this but somehow I did. With my sister crying in the back seat out of fear to my own fear as I opened my eyes to what had happened, no one was hurt (not even the deer). That is a blessing in itself.
Not only was it a blessing that none of us got hurt it was a blessing that I was able to find glory in it, when for a week or two before I could find glory in nothing around me. I laid awake in my room reviewing everything that had happened recently and the glory and I was astonished at everything I had missed. God was stepping into my life I just couldn't particularly see it. So with summer here now and late nights I think much more than normal (lord knows that's not good), and I have been making lists of Gods glory and blessings in my life.

1. An amazing best friend: She has always been here for me especially this year, when one was weak we were strong for the other until we were okay again. Our late night conversations while star gazing was something I wouldn't trade for anything.
2. My gift: In a few weeks my church leaves for our first mission trip. I agreed to lead worship through song during the week. I have been practicing as much as I can and just recently I have finally been able to feel what I was singing about. So i'm not focusing on being perfect but focusing bringing glory to God and serving others by showing them the love of Christ. 
3. "Remade": I can not say much but I can say I am moving forward in life. I am finished being at a stand still, and am praying about all that could happen. All I can say is that through what ever happens in the near future I am letting it be Gods' show... not mine. 
4. Radio/ Pandora: God has been speaking to me through the music I have surrounded myself by. I sat at church one day and every song that came on touched something in my heart that made me aware of the presence of my Savior!
5. My sister: We have not always had a good relationship but I am doing so much to change that. I want to be her support system, so I make time for her individually in my schedule. In a short time I would say we have gotten closer system. 
6. Communication: I am not the best when it comes to this but I am working on it. A friend that has helped me a lot this year has truly pushed me honest in all that I do. So as I become honest with my self I am slowly able to become honest with the people around me. 

These are just a few but have all made a huge impact in my life. In the presence of Gods' glory I feel like a deer in the headlights. All I want to do is stand here and admire it forever, I want to love the light for ever and nothing is every going to stop me from singing every praise of Lord deserves!
Be blessed!!!!
Love, McKayla Audrey

Summer # 16

As my Sophomore year comes to an end an another summer has so gracefully swooped in just in time. The name for this is a bit different, but I thought as move into this summer I would blog about some of my favorite memories from this past summer!!!

#1. Mid-Summers Night Tears:
 Last summer (2011) I spent about 4 or 5 weeks volunteering at a summer camp as well as getting my CIT training (Counselor In Training). Three years ago I wrote a song named " I Don't Wanna Go," and dedicated it to the camp that has helped me grow up for 7 years. Last summer after being there for 5 years summer was coming to a close and I unfortunately had to leave a few days earlier than everyone else. In this picture I am preforming "I Don't Wanna Go," for my last time in 2011. It was much different this time though because I made so many relationships and because someone very special made me my very own guitar strap with words that said: " I don't wanna go, I don't wanna leave you..." So after singing and playing my song everyone walked back over to get ice cream and i put my guitar away I went over to my friend and fell into her arms sobbing. I will tell you I have to this day never cried so hard. We walked over to the lodge together while I was still crying and seeing everyone was coming up to me hugging me telling me they loved me and all I could do was cry. I sat down for a while but nothing was stopping the tears, not this time. One by one it seemed like everyone in that camp that night came over and talked to me. I remember very few but one I do remember is with one of my best and longest camp buds Matt. Still crying he came over and pulled me close and gave me a hug but this was the longest hug ever because he was actually talking to me whispering in my ear. All week before this I had been telling him I didn't know if I wanted to go back in 2012, he told me that I wasn't finished there because of how much I was crying. Matt if you ever read this you were the one that helped me so much that night, even after I stopped crying and we were talking on the porch. It seems like so many of my favorite summer memories have you in them because for the past 6 years you have been apart of my summer in one way or another. I also loved coming home from camp and getting calls with Matt singing Jason Maraz on random evenings. Thank you and love you lots.

#2. Lakeside Wedding:
At the end of last summer I got to see the marriage of Uncle Sam and Aunt Whitney. They were legally married before the ceremony but it was great to spend time with my family in Michigan on this beautiful lake. I got to spend time with my two adorable cousins Arlo and Magnus. I got to try many new things like tubing and water skiing and lots of new vegetarian foods (this was when I was still a vegetarian). It was great to see God work in these two people as they raise two beautiful little boys and share an undying love for each other!!

#3. Taking the Main Stage:
At the end of last summer I was asked to audition for a Christmas show but it was a bit different than other auditions. This audition was for a live audience on the Main Stage at Cantons First Friday in August. I sang 'Once Upon a Dream' from Jekyll and Hyde and was told by many people I stunned them but little do they all know that if it wouldn't have been for that audition I may have never gotten on stage again. This audition was such a blessing in SO many ways. God brought so many new people into my life and helped me reconnect to an old friend.

#4. Getting and completing my Gold Rag:
At camp I am a part of program called raggers where it focuses of bettering yourself, the world around you, others and your relationship with Christ.  I have been apart of this group for 4 years and plan to continue it as long as I can. This year I received my Gold Rag and my goal for myself was to impact the life of others through my music. I feel I have done this so I hope to go back to camp this year and get my next rag. Last years raggers ceremony was probably the most amazing I have ever been apart of, because the minute you open your eyes Gods beauty blinded you and any of you who were there know what I'm talking about. Although it was the earliest I have ever woken up at camp it was totally worth it.
Summer #15 was so incredibly amazing and if I named all the amazing moments this would be super long! I cant wait to see what Summer #16 has in store with ALIVE12 and the mission trip this summer is dedicated to my relationship with Christ and of course camp and all of my amazing friends!!! Happy Summer 2012!!!
  

Meet My Best friend

   

She's out going, I'm shy with people I don't know.

She loves sports, I love a spotlight and a microphone. 

Organization should be her middle name and disaster mine...

   On Good Friday in 2011 Jesus put someone in my life that has helped me grow more in this year than I could have ever expected. Our situations in life have varied in many different ways but gladly I am able to say we have both been able to put Christ into our friendship to help each other grow in our faith and in our selves. 

   I can honestly say If it wasn't for the our amazing savior would not have brought us together I don't think we would be as close as we are today or even friends. We met our freshman year in track, I was the quite one sitting alone and she was the crazy one talking to everyone and frankly I was scared of her. Some how in the months between March and June we became super close, and on Good Friday that year we both agreed we were kinda like best friends. 

   As summer came around we were expecting to spend a lot of time together with some of our other friends. Things changed a bit through, we both started to get involved with guys and life was making it very impossible for us to ever talk or see each other. This summer was a true test of our friendship, and it was not always easy. In one instance I was so angry with her that I just didn't even want to try anymore. I could see myself very quickly being replaced and so I chose to be angry, unforgiving even after I told her it was all okay. One night at the summer camp I was staying at I looked at everything around me and remember thinking:

   "If Christ could forgive us, then why the heck can't I forgive my best friend who has apologized so many times?"

   My best friend is one of the strongest people I have ever met. She hates showing weakness but I wish she didn't have to be so strong all the time. My best friend has been my rock this year as I fell apart this year, and I wish I could be the same for her. 

   This week we were talking about where we would be without each other and from that conversation came the inspiration to write this. I hate thinking about the past or how things could have been because you can control it and that is just me so this conversation was difficult for me and I replied with:

   "I don't want to think about it."

   Here is your answer: I don't know. Yes a popular word in my vocabulary but in this instance it is the honest truth. Without my best friend I would be so lost, probably on the floor in the fetal position scared to death. Just kidding but the point is, by being friends with her my life has been changed.  

   When our hearts our broken we look and see the beauty of the pieces and gather them and up and put them back together. When one of  our faces are covered in makeup from all of the tears, the other is whipping it off or crying just as hard. The most simple things bring tears to our eyes, and have come to the conclusion that the older we get the easier it is to get us to cry.   

   No matter where life takes us after high school I have faith that our relationship will conquer any distance or situation. The laughs and tears we have shared, the memories made and the amazing moments to come will carry us through until our paths cross again. 

   Meet Mollie. My best friend. 

"But I’m still a dreamer, A believer Oh, I lost my faith in so many things. But I still believe in You" 

     

Real Life Role Model

This is something I had to write for my journalism class. The assignment was to write an opinion column about something that you could talk about a lot and I think my topic fit the bill. I want to thank my youth leader for truly helping me s much this year battle and begin healing from all of the past scars and teaching me that my past doesn't define me! 

Real Life Role Model

McKayla Morris

    In my family I am the oldest of three girls. Being the oldest I have found it is much harder to find someone older to look up to than my younger sister who tells me almost daily that she wants to be just like me one day. To me a scary thought.
    As I grew up I always had a want for an older sibling, someone I could look up to, someone I could call my own role model. Life played out a bit differently though. In middle school I never really had a role model, in fact I barley talked. My seventh grade year I started at a new school and my parents were in the middle of separating.
    Alone.
    That is the only word I could use to explain how I was feeling. My parents were my role models, but after I saw the pain they were putting each other through the adoration quickly turned to hatred. In January of seventh grade year I had made up my mind that I would be alone forever and I was going to end my life.
    Obviously I am here which could lend itself to say I didn’t go through with the suicide plan. A few months after all of this happened my parents decided to get back together and I took all of those feelings and hid and locked them away until this year.
    Three years.
    I suppressed every emotion for my seventh grade year. I was able to convince myself I was okay, and that I had forgiven my parents and myself. A month before school started though I met someone that would hold the key to unlock a monster no one was prepared to battle.
    My church hired a new youth leader while I was away for the summer. When I first met her my first impression was not the best. I mean the only thing I knew about her was that she was a cheerleader in high school. Nothing could describe what I was thinking as I first met her, it was probably that sounded like,
  “You have got to be kidding me.”
    I soon came to learn that we had much more in common than previously believed. We both love country and Christian music, Starbucks, but the thing that has created an almost sibling like bond is that we both have stories. At our first church lock-in I was sitting in the back of the sanctuary crying feeling completely lost when she came over and put her arm around me. I had never planned on telling her my story but that night I did.
    In the coming months as we got to know each other a little better I began to look up to her more. After constant fights with my mother one night the thoughts from seventh grade year came flooding back. I was soon sitting in my youth leaders’ office crying, so scared of what I was becoming. Weeks and I was in so much pain, it took everything in my being to not revert to old habits. I was ready to give up everything, but my youth leader wouldn't let me. One night on our way home from Akron she started asking questions about my seventh grade year. Questions I was not prepared to answer, questions that unlocked every emotion from seventh grade year.  
    That conversation showed me that I needed more help that I thought. Weeks before Christmas I checked myself into counseling because I was finally aware of the severity of what I was dealing with. The day of my first appointment was difficult because I had to be completely honest with a complete stranger. Later that night after my session my youth leader shared her story with me.
    A few weeks later she was also in counseling.
    So I imagine some of you are wondering what the point of me sharing all of this to you, I mean I would be too.  Well us teenagers don’t always handle stress or pain very well, and simply having someone there can save you. I challenge all of you to make an effort to be a role model to someone in your life older or younger. You never know when you might save a life by being there for someone, reminding them they are not alone.
    My youth leader has been the best role model I could ask for and I hope I can be that way for my younger sisters.

"Amazing Love"

"I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well, you're spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again" What amazing words in one of my favorite songs Amazing Love.

This week is Holy Week which is the week leading up to the resurrection of Jesus Christ on Easter morning. Last year was the first year I really grasped the concept of Christ's undying love for us on Maundy Thursday.

I have been singing in my church choir since I was in 5th grade and we always sing at the Maundy Thursday service but for 4 years I had no real knowledge of what Holy Week truly meant. I think this year I have come to understand a bit more about all of it in a whole. 

     Thursday night you celebrate the Last Supper, the last time Jesus disciples would eat with him, the last time he would teach before he went to the cross the next day. I noticed something this year that I haven't before in the story of the Last Supper. I knew everything about Jesus foretelling his betrayal but I never knew he washed his disciples feet His last night with them. As Jesus was washing the feet of Peter, Peter tells Him he shall never wash his feet. Jesus washes all the feet of each disciple except His betrayer. ¹² When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ( John 13:12) In fact the disciples did not understand at that time what Christ had done, but they soon would.  Jesus washing the feet of his disciples showed that he was coming down on they're level and showing that He was not only God but human as well something I personally I find amazing.
    Friday Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior went to the cross to save your life. Christ faced so much for all of us to understand his undying love. This man was beaten, whipped, ridiculed, betrayed and hung on a cross. This is an amazing love that is so much to understand in one sitting. I often find myself feeling alone, consumed in my thoughts or current situation. I become so involved in my own pain that I fail to open up my eyes to such an amazing love. I look for love in all the wrong places. I look for love in the approval of others, in my grades, in relationships, my music and a ton more instead of looking to God and seeing his amazing love. I am forgiven of all of this by Christ who was forsaken on behalf of people just like you and I. Instead of having to change who I am to be accepted by others Christ accepts me as I am past and all. I am able to wake each morning and smile because of the most amazing gift anyone could ever ask for: life through Christ Jesus our Savior.
    So as we continue this holy week I challenge you to try and understand a part of Holy week that you have never thought about before. Holy week is preparing us for Easter the day our Lord rises and everything is created new. This Easter though it is long overdue I am being confirmed into my Church, and honestly I am ready to take this step. I am ready to be the hands and feet of Christ and let him work in my life as He desires! Turning 16 brings new freedoms and respectability into my life and I must admit it does seem a little scary I am ready because I know Christ will be with me the whole way! 
    Know how much he loves you! God is so amazing! His love is so amazing!
<3  

"Know Your Love"

Think of your best friend... maybe its your mom or dad, a friend that you have known since first grade, a spouse or someone you are in a relationship with. Write the name of that person on a piece on paper. On that same side write down as many names as you can of the people who have told you that they love you in your lifetime... Turn the paper over and now write down all of the people who would lay down their lives for you and then name the people who would lay down the life of their son or daughter for you... I don't know about you but the back of my paper is filled by only one name Christ.

In today's day and age we are exposed at a young age that love is when you are dating someone of married. As I get older I notice things I haven't before like how derogatory the saying "I love you" is. Media puts into our minds that love is simply about sex in a nut shell. You can listen to songs on the radio and 92% of Top Chart songs are about the wrong kind of love and that is sick especially when you look at the audience. Most of the people listening to these songs are teens including myself but sometimes I think people get the wrong ideas about what love is in the songs and in real life. Weather you believe it or not sleeping around is not healthy in any way shape or form, because how can you love each one of them??

I am 1 of 3 in my group of friends that are single, and most of my other friends are in very serious relationships with guys at the age of 16. I am okay with being single at the moment but it does get trying when you see your friends with wonderful guys and your sitting there alone. A lot of my friends say they feel bad for me but I don't because I am not being pressured into things I'm not ready for and I am able to focus on more important things like my relationship with Christ. Which brings me to the core of what I'm blogging about tonight.

On that paper it was hard to think of someone who would die for you right? Well it shouldn't be because he is right next to you right now. His love is true love because he died so that you could be forgiven from your sin and wrong doing to walk with Him in Heaven for eternity and isn't that amazing? His love is unending, He is not going to break up with you because you got into a fight or stop talking because you said something He didn't agree with. He is not going to walk away from you because he loves you with every being in His body. He fought a war for you, He was beaten and nailed to a cross so you could know the extent of His love. This is the reason I am okay with being single right now, because I am loved and never alone.

If you are recently just out of a relationship or lost a friend know that Christ is right there. He never stopped loving you even if the other person has. He will wrap you in His arms and tell you how much he loves you everyday. He will give you the strength to get up every morning and move on, and move toward him. If you truly want him in your life he is not far away all you have to do is call out to him and he will be there! He loves you so much more than anything on earth.

"The Truth About Me" Part Two

Normally I would come up with a more creative idea for a name but once again this song has been on my heart and on my mind as a lot of things have been in the past weeks since my last post.

Tonight is a little different because I don't exactly know where I want this post to go. So I'm going to start with some lyrics of the song to base the rest of this off of. "You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven. I feel lonely, You say You're with me. We both know it would change everything. If only I believed the truth about me..."

Since I last posted I have written four new songs and posted three of them on my YouTube channel and they are Christian songs. Recently I have found myself praying about possibly becoming a Christian singer and being able to share my story through music to help others who are just like me. I am giving my gifts to God and asking him to use them as he intends and let his will be done with my life but it is much easier said than done.

So recently I have found myself doubting myself and things around me which is why I am using this song once again. The part of the song I posted above is the part that has been on my mind so here it all goes. I sometimes find myself in difficult situations where I struggle to remember that there is someone who will always love me. It isn't even all recent but from along time ago, but I feel so held back by my brokenness sometimes. Laying in my bed thinking back of events and thinking I must be crazy no one could understand or forgive me, but it's nights like these that I find myself crying out to God with everything I have. I have never had this happen until this year, where I close my eyes and talk to God and can't find the words to say but I'm crying begging him to step into my life and give me strength to be a worthy servant of the Lord for others around me. I pray he will give me strength to get through the week and not loose faith, as I have done in the past. But me crying out to him does not mean I don't believe in him but means I don't have the strength to do it on my own.

Believing the lies is so much easier to do though right? The lies that tell you nothing you can do will be good enough, the lies that remind you how many people you feel like you're pushing away? See God sees beauty in our brokenness and can pick up the pieces and make something beautiful out of it. He sees us so much different than anyone else on earth and sometimes the lies seem to snuff that out. I often find myself believing the lies I am told by other people about many things, but mostly myself. I mean it isn't always easy to keep your head up and ignore things because it builds up on you, and eventually you blow up on someone or something.

So recently I have been wondering what it would be like if I didn't believe the lies that pop up here and there, how would my life be different? " You tell me things this world never will" This world can knock you down with one strong wave but God loves us more that all of the lies and mistakes combined. Something so amazing that it gives me chills just thinking about. Would you give up your life for people you didn't know? So I guess why wonder what life would be like when you can't change what has been done but be forgiven by a Savior?