3:06AM

You are pure and lovely, child you are mine. 

As I gently presue you, I battle for your mind, 

To think of things of heaven, not of this loft world. 

For what I want to give you is more valuable than pearls. 

So child stop your searching and open up your ears, for what I'm trying to tell you, I've been whispering for years. 

Take the time to know me, for I know all of you. 

When you give up all you carry I will gladly lead. 

I'm the lover of your soul, the cracked, messy, bruised

But if you'd only turn to me it's brokenness you lose. 

I don't need perfection, no that's why I called your name, 

For in your weakness, I am strong and love you still the same. 

So child please quit striving, I see you weary eyes

Come and rest your head now and let our every cry. 

For all I ask is your heart, completely as whole,

But not all put together because that's where I unfold, 

My mercy and my love as I slowly change your heart 

From bruises to my banner and give you a brand new start.

#hope

After a long weekend of car washes, conversations, youth group prom, my senior recognition Sunday at my home church, and lots and lots of tears, I thought I had earned some well deserved rest... but when I stepped out of my car tonight to walk into the house I knew that God had other plans. In the distance, almost inaudible to human ears I heard a sound that took me back to a much simpler time. A time when I lived out in the country without a store for miles. A time when nature was my best friend. A time when I would sit outside with my parents on the front porch listening to songs the frogs would sing to me as I fell asleep. The distant sound brought me back to a time when I was content to just be still and listen.

 I live in a world where just being still and embracing what is around me is hard to do. Embrace is almost a term that I am scared to use because I am awful at it. I am always looking forward to the next best thing and the next big way God is going to use me. I will shamefully admit to prove my point that about a month ago I thought God wanted me to get married early. Now to answer the question, no I'm not dating anyone and I'm not planning on dating anyone anytime soon. But a month ago I met a really great guy online. For the three weeks as we talked he challenged me in my faith and gave me hope that Jesus loving men exist at my age. So after our three blissful weeks of phone dates and texting conversations I began to talk to God as if I might marry the guy. Hahahahaha. Talk about rushing things? I can't help but laugh looking back now.

But so often this is how I live my life; in a rushed daze never embracing what is right in front of me. It's funny because I didn't even realized I lived like this until Friday when I woke up and thought "I don't know what to do with my life". I had been looking forward to being done with high school since the day I set foot in the building my freshman year, and here I was three days after being out questioning why my life was at a stand still. The realization didn't stop there though. The next day I had two people that mean so much to me tell me about how awful I am at intentionally maintaining relationships because I constantly want to move on to the newest most exciting relationship. Rough. I cried a lot because both of these realizations questioned the way I live most of my life. These realizations would make many of us question the way we are living our lives.

Never fear though, stubborn old me still didn't get the message God was speaking into my heart. Instead I yelled at him, asking him what he was doing in this season of what feels like nothingness. I cried out asking him to move so that I could move forward in proclaiming the good news. I begged for him to take the pain of the realizations away because facing them broke my heart into a million different pieces. I cried a lot, because when God breaks off a part of you that isn't like him, it hurts. It hurts more than  playing guitar on a freshly stoved pinky (if you want to know how that feels message me and we'll chat). It's never easy, in fact the blunt truth is that it sucks... sucks, sucks, sucks. Did I mention it kinda sucks? But unlike worldly pain like a stoved pinky, this pain comes with hope. Hope that Jesus is going to use this sucky pain to refine my faith.

I forgot about the hope this weekend until tonight when I stepped out of my car and heard those frogs. As I stood there and listened for a minute, God met me in my sucky pain and gave me hope. The words he was speaking into my heart this weekend became clear and could no longer be ignored.

Remember sitting on the porch listening to frogs when you were younger? Remember how safe you felt? How free? How calm? How content? I want you to remember the simplicity of those moments. McKayla, turn to me. Look to me, because only I can give you the peace you so desperately need. Why are you so anxious to move onto the next phase of life? Don't you know I have you exactly where I want you? I know you want to do so much more but you aren't ready for that yet. Rest in me. I love you.

Wow. How humbling it is to have such a huge God step down and stop you in your tracks to tell you something like that? The pain I feel in my heart does not hurt any less but I can have this hope that it won't last forever. If I am willing to surrender all of my brokenness over to the one who knew I would have this breakthrough even before I was born, I will find his peace.

God is good, all the time. And all the time God is Good.

"For everything there is a season..."

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; ..." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-5

    I just adore sitting outside during this time of year, witnessing a change in the trees, and air each day. It might have everything to do with the fact that fall is my absolute favorite season. I love the color on the trees that eventually ends up piled in the yard. I love the smells of apple spice, pumpkin and crisp fall mornings that can chill you to the bone. I love the memories associated with fall, the family traditions, and holidays. I jeans and hoodies that smell like fire; the pumpkin spice lattes and the wonderful conversation that comes with each one. I could go on and on, but this is going to be long enough without me listing each thing I love.
    For the past 5 years I have been apart of a beautiful season of life, in which I have discovered my identity in Christ. After my family moved up here we were so lucky to be embraced into a loving and faithful church family. Although I couldn't see it then, as this season draws to a close, I couldn't imagine this beautiful, colorful season without my church family. I guess I can start with saying thank you... to the amazing group of people who never gave up on my family. Even when we ripped down the seams, you stood firm in your prayers and unconditional love. I was to trapped to see it but, there you all were praying every Sunday for a miracle and redemption within my family. 5 years later your ceaseless prayers have been fulfilled not with a perfect family, but with a family, changed, that is willing to work on things as they come. You showed us the love none of us felt we deserved.
    When I came back to the faith you were all so receptive this broken heart. There is one conversation that stands out even now, 3 years later, so vividly I could close my eyes and be there again. It was the same night I saw Tenth Avenue North in concert for the first time. I was so determined to see them, I stood outside in the pouring rain, freezing, with one of the moms from the church. I looked at her and just started to talk about my what was still a very new faith. Since then she has become someone very special to me. She knows that she is not perfect, but never stops striving to be better than she was yesterday. That lesson is something I have carried and will continue to carry with me when the storms of the season roll in.
    I have built some of the most beautiful relationships. I have people who will go to my shows just to support me and remind me that I am loved. I have people who know what I'm thinking and know the encouraging and uplifting words I need to hear. I love the adults at my church for all of those things. Most of all though I have built a bond with a group of people I hope I never lose. We are the weirdest combination of kids but we all just click. The youth have literally become family, I mean were ducklings. We pick each other up when we are down, and encourage each other when we need it. We laugh together and at least Mama Duck and I cry together while everyone else stares at us giggling. We have finally become comfortable enough to worship together at concerts, to be crazy in the name of the crazy Love we are covered with. We have built something beautiful together in the past 6 years, and I love you all. Which brings me to big news...
    The final leaf is falling from the tree of this season this weekend. Last Thursday as few knew I had an interview and audition at a church locally for a worship leader internship. I had been praying for weeks before I got the opportunity that God would take hold of my job search and without a doubt I know He answered that prayer. Yesterday afternoon I got a call, and accepted the position at the church. People have been telling me for sometime that music was my gift but I never imagined God wanted to use it for this. I am excited for the amazing opportunity to get to share the gospel with people I haven't even met yet. I'm excited to build new relationships, and show them the love my church family has showed me all these years. I'm eager to see just how Jesus is going to use this opportunity. I'm leaving one awesome season to walk right into another beautiful, amazing season of change and opportunity.
    This Sunday will be my last for a long while getting to worship with my church family, (don't get too excited to youthlings you will still see your fair share of me at youth group and other events). :) I'm not scared anymore, because I know that our Savior is right there. He has control and never fails. I'm so excited to expand my family!!!! I am so thankful for the amazing group of believers I have gotten to live out the past 6 year season with.... for the encouragement, love, support, hugs, prayers, tears, laughs, healing and understanding.
    I cannot wait to see what God has in store for the next season to come. I pray that I am intentional, real and encouraging to each person I build relationships with. I pray that I have an attitude of embrace and don't wish away the season I am in. I pray that God uses me and I am willing to follow where He leads. I pray that you all know how thankful I am for your support and how much I love you.

"3 I thank my God for you every time I think of you; 4 and every time I pray for you all, I pray with joy 5 because of the way in which you have helped me in the work of the gospel from the very first day until now. 6 And so I am sure that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus. 7 You are always in my heart! And so it is only right for me to feel as I do about you. For you have all shared with me in this privilege that God has given me, both now that I am in prison and also while I was free to defend the gospel and establish it firmly. 8 God is my witness that I tell the truth when I say that my deep feeling for you all comes from the heart of Christ Jesus himself. 9 I pray that your love will keep on growing more and more, together with true knowledge and perfect judgment, 10 so that you will be able to choose what is best. Then you will be free from all impurity and blame on the Day of Christ. 11 Your lives will be filled with the truly good qualities which only Jesus Christ can produce, for the glory and praise of God." - Philippians 1:3-11 

Much Love,
McKayla Audrey

What Do You Stand For

    Last week I got to spend six wonderful days with the youth from my home church on a missions trip to Grand Rapids Michigan. The week was filled with service, beautiful conversation, raw worship and what I truly believe will be lifelong relationships. I was truly unprepared and surprised about what took place over the course of those six days.
    The theme for the week was the question, "What Do You Stand For?" I thought a middle school student or freshman they would really struggle with the answers more than me. I went into the week thinking I knew what I stood for; things like other people, relationships, conversation, truth and music. I was not prepared to ask myself what God wanted me to stand for. In front of a small coffee shop, I sat with my youth group as we all took a few minutes to silently pray, asking God what he wanted us to stand for:

"Lord what do I need to stand for?" 

                                                   "You."

"Lord what do I need to stand for?"

                                                  "You." 

    It seemed like I asked God that question 10 times, fearing the answer I was hearing was my own selfish desire. Each time I would ask the the answer would become louder, and more strong, bringing tears to my eyes. I knew exactly what I was being told, I didn't like what I was hearing and fought to hear something else. I continued to ask that question all week and again and again I kept hearing one word, three letters... YOU.
    My biggest desire is to be able to love on my brothers and sisters in Christ, I have noticed though that I cannot adequately love on anyone when I am hating myself. There are two distinct conversations with a friend I can remember before the trip that shifted my attention to the fact that no matter what I try and change I will find something else to hate about myself. Both conversations seemed to lead themselves to how that self hatred affected how I love on people which made the truth I was hearing so hard to swallow. When I heard that voice echo inside my every being, I vowed that I would focus my eyes on the truth and how Christ sees me for the week. For once I felt empowered at the fact that I chose Jesus and truth over the lies that I feel I deserve to believe. I chose to be uncomfortable in truth rather than comfortable believing the lies.
    When I made that conscious decision I was able to experience the most amazing, free, beautiful week ever. I have been known to be dramatic, but I am dead serious when I say that the trip to Michigan was the best week of my life. As I lead worship I was not at all concerned with how I sounded, or how many people sang along, but I raised my hands to our amazing God. With each song I thanked him for the gift of music I have been blessed with, worshiped and prayed so freely without a care in the world. Even as I completely screwed up the key of a song and stopped in the middle, even in my split second of humiliation, I laughed it off and just started over. The humiliation held no power over me because I wasn't doing it for the crowd, I was true to me and did it for Jesus.
    I forced myself to answer the hard questions that were posed for us each day. I journaled to help myself process through any lies that would try and slip in. I laid awake one night early in the trip, my mind racing with questions of my worth to someone very important to me, someone who constantly reminds me of how much she loves me. I put my headphones in and immediately looked to the truth of life to defeat the lie that tried to consume my mind.

"Lord tonight I come to you with great thanksgiving of your beautiful truth that crosses out the lies on my heart. Lord where I believe I am unworthy and a burden you tell me that my inner self is of great worth to. If you love even that scary part of me and still tell me of my worth then I have no choice to believe." 

    So tonight after a week of reflection and prayer I am ready to stand for myself. I know that it is not going to be easy, but I don't our walk with Christ is meant to be easy. I believe when you step out of a season of comfort into a season of uncomfort growth is made possible. I am ready to stand for myself because I know that a man stood for me at his cross 2 million years ago. I am choosing life in community instead of isolation. I am choosing self love rather than hatred. I am choosing light over darkness. I am choosing Jesus. I am ready for the tears, issues, and lies that I will be forcing myself to work through, to live my life fully for Christ. I am ready to begin to love myself again. I'm choosing truth.

- McKayla Audrey

 

Only Love Remains- JJ Heller

Scenes of you come rushing through 

You are breaking me down 

So break me into pieces 

That will grow in the ground 

I know that I deserve to die 

For the murder in my heart

So be gentle with me Jesus 

As you tear me apart 

Please kill the liar 

Kill the thief in me

You know that I am tired of their cruelty

Breathe into my spirit

Breathe into my veins

Until only love remains 

You burn away the ropes that bind 

And hold me to the earth

The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth 

I begin to see reality 

For the first time in my life

I know that I'm a shadow 

But I'm dancing in your light

Teach me to be humble 

Call me from the grave 

Show me how to walk with you upon the waves

Breathe into my spirit

Breathe into my veins 

Until only love remains

 

Antisocial and Why I HATE Labeling

    Labels. The best way I can describe it is from the lunchroom scene in Mean Girls. You know where they give you the breakdown of where the jocks, preps, asians, burnouts, sexually active band geeks and of course the plastics sit. Those are ALL labels, good or bad, true or untrue; for that moment they lose their name and become a *insert unnecessary group name here*. So tonight I'm blogging about the ridiculous labels we are given, how our names don't deserve to be replaced by them and what God labels us as. I'm sure its not antisocial.
    Labels are nothing new to mankind and have existed since what seems to be the beginning of time. Masters, slaves, upper class, peasants, tax collectors, thieves, whores, jocks, potheads, bible thumpers, band nerds, just to name a few. I couldn't forget my favorite two though that have been near and dear to my heart from a young age: preppy and antisocial people.
    "Preppy Bitch" was my favorite label from childhood, which was given to me in the seventh grade. In seventh grade I switched schools to attempt to follow my dreams at the time to be an actress. The "friends" I had at the time didn't see it as an opportunity to grow but as an opportunity to torture me by making me feel out of place and being the peppy bitch. They say sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you. Well I'm calling bullshit on that one. How many times have others words hurt YOU more than their physical action? Exactly. I was labeled as a preppy bitch because I had a dream and I tried so hard to make it come true until the dream and passion was driven out of me. I fought for that dream a long time but eventually let the words and names get to me until I let it go a few years ago. Even after I returned to the old school with my friends I held the label for 3 or 4 years, or until they finally forgot about it. It was a funny joke to everyone except me. What made me preppy? Or a bitch in the seventh grade?
    But by far the most hurtful, and the one label I believed the most and almost became was antisocial. Up until even this year I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere in school. I came into school the new kid in November of the my third grade year. Everyone had their friend groups made and I had a heck of time trying to get into a friend group. I did meet a group of girls out of my desperation for friends. I was the runt of the group, the one who was thrown under the bus, the one bullied just to "fit in." What would you do in this situation as a child? I felt like everything I said was laughed at and ridiculed. All I wanted to do was fit in like everyone else and unfortunately I had to become a liar to even get people to look at me. I hated elementary and sixth grade so no wonder I wanted to switch school so quickly, I wanted a new start. Sometime during my elementary years I thought if I stopped talking I couldn't get blamed or get in trouble for things. The teasing and bullying continued until I felt emotionally shut off to my peers at school. If I didn't feel anything I thought it wouldn't be so bad. So people began to call me antisocial in sixth grade because I still wasn't like everyone else, closed off and quite, scared of the people around me. I never acted out against the social norm, I followed everyone else in hopes of not doing something wrong. I longed for friends and to be social but I was held back by my very real fears of humiliation and rejection. Up until freshman year I believed the lie I was told that said I was antisocial. I thought the fact that I only had one or two good friends I was doing something wrong when everyone else had a whole group. I kept to myself a lot dreaming of the future just to make it through those lonely years. (Side Note: I did fit in at the summer camp one or two weeks out the summer that I still attend today. I have made so many amazing friends through that beautiful place.)
    Tonight the word antisocial was thrown my direction and for that split second all those feelings and memories of those lonely dark years flooded through me. I flinched feeling my name lost to the exact label I have been fighting so hard to overcome. We shouldn't lose ourselves to who we were or the mistakes me have made. For four year I allowed my name to be replaced by being called a preppy bitch and antisocial. I am McKayla Audrey and I am neither of those things. Do you know what I am? I am a Child of the King.

"God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure."

    No one likes to be labeled because we are all our own person not to be meshed in with everyone else. So if we don't like it then why do we continue to make such a big deal about it in movies, TV, conversation, gossip and life? The only reason I can see is that it is a way of life that people aren't willing to let go of. It seems comfortable to categorize things and people without knowing them or their story. I challenge you though to think and reach out to that person who you think is awkward or unapproachable, or that you could NEVER be friends with and learn their whole story. Labels are comfortable. Step out of your comfort zone and before you take away someones name, think, ask and learn their story. Only few people are able to see the transformation I have made from UNSOCIAL to a person who loves being in relationship with others.

I am McKayla Audrey a child of the King, forgiven, beautiful, strong, remade and never alone....

"We Need Each Other"

    Have you ever thought of what a beautiful gift it is that we are able to be in relationship with other brothers and sisters in Christ? I know I haven't truly spent a ton of time pondering on that beautiful gift as much as I should until this past week. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 expresses the beauty and necessity of being in relationship with others:

" Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

    I am so blessed by the relationships God has put into my beautiful life, and like I asked on Facebook, tonight I reflect on what have those Godly relationships give me. Sunday after the show I was in and after dinner with Kayla Marie, my oldest adopted sister, we spent the evening laying in my front yard. It was a perfect evening to finish off a hectic weekend of shows.  We didn't talk about anything in particular but just hung out and embraced the beauty around us. Our relationship is so beautiful and so different to me because she is a fighter and fought through so much to show that she cares. I first met her as an 11 year old camper back in '07 not knowing the huge impact she would have on my life. I loved Kayla as a counselor because she was different than everyone else and I clung to that, and her as a camper. I would walk up hills that were terribly steep and force myself to carry her backpack. I used to think it was funny to wipe peanut butter on her back and hide her back pack all around camp. It wasn't so funny though when her and some of her counselor buddies hid in the woods apparently "kidnapped by a serial killer." I cried, no I bawled at the idea of losing her only to find out it was just a prank. When we reconnected last summer I had no idea that we would become as close as we are now. So close in fact shes passed out right next to me while I write this. She has fought for our relationship from day one, making our once a month reunions a success from hiking to concerts, to recording demos to just laying around as I hack up a lung. Our bond and relationship is so different because we know when the other person isn't okay. We have been able to be there for each other through all of those times praying, crying, yelling, talking and texting, just to remind the other person they're not alone. I thank God everyday for her story and beautiful life. Like I have said before she is a person that is able to bring out the best in me even out of my worst attitudes. Sunday being a beautiful example and reminder of one of the beautiful relationships God has given me.
    About an hour after Kayla left Sunday I got a random phone call which I would find out later was not so random. It was Em calling to chat for a little while but I wasn't expecting the beautiful conversation that followed. I think it started with her telling me she had read my blog I wrote about my jealousy of her. In that moment my heart dropped thinking I looked like a crazy person but she expressed how beautiful she thought it was and that it made her cry. We then started talking about our stories of our lives in the past few years. It was such a beautiful conversation because it was so raw, honest and real. I could hear a quiver in her voice as she talked about life. I told her my story and although the are drastically different and based out of different lies and temptation there is something huge we have in common. Something that is very hard on both our hearts. I can't remember if I said it but, Em when you read this I want you to know that you are loved, perfect, enough, beautiful and worth so much to Jesus, me and the rest of your "duck family". Your worth doesn't come from a grade on a piece of paper, a perfected dance number or even your amazing boyfriend. It comes from whose child you are: A CHILD OF GOD. I've only known Em for about half a year but I can already tell that God has big things for her life. He has big things in store for our friendship and I am so blessed to get to walk alongside her in her journey with Christ.
    I of course cannot forget my curly haired older sister/ mama duck/ youth pastor. What has our relationship given me? To put it simply hope. Hope that things will be okay, that I am worth more than I'm going through. Hope that one day I will become as strong as she is that I am able to lead others to the Kingdom. For the past two years Lindsey has stood by me and watched me crumble into a heaping mess and watched me soar as I have learned to embrace the freedom the cross offers. Even when I so desperately beg to give up and give in, to take the easy way out she has encouraged and loved me. Was it easy all the time being asked hard questions I really didn't want to answer? No at the moment it sucked having to answer them. Am I thankful for each conversation we've had like that? So thankful because it was often in those conversations God was able to break and speak to my heart in order rebuild it. Have we had a yelling match here and there? Uh yep. Cried together? More than I could have imagined. As I head into my senior year in the fall I cannot wait to see what hard conversations, and beautiful moments God has in store. Of course even outside of youth group when I graduate I think we will still me close. It's going to being very hard to sever the bond that has been created in the past two years and I am so blessed to be able to say God stitched in together. Even when our lives part with our new jobs, and new families I hope I never lose my curly, seal laugh sister.
    I'm going to finish this up with the lyric video to the song the title is based off of. I heard it back at the Indians game with my fellow ducklings and mama duck. While you listen, seriously ponder on the beautiful gift of relationship God has given us. So I ask, what have the relationships God has blessed you with given you?

   

"It's amazing what love can do people, never underestimate it. EVER."

    What a gorgeous weekend filled with sunshine, sunburn, miles, laughter, music, conversation and many many tears. I started my Saturday at 7AM when some of the youth girls and I headed up to the Cleveland Zoo to raise awareness  for JRA research in and support Katie. We might have been the slowest moving group of 5 girls the whole morning as the middle school girls stopped at each animal and spoke to it as if it understood. My youth leader and I on the other hand aren't really a fan of the zoo, mostly because of all the cute families and preggo mommies walking around.  I was pretty quiet and to myself as the walk continued, thinking and processing through things. I was asked to talk things out but at that moment I was convinced I had things under control. Inside though I was clinging onto to lies, jealousy and hurt. I tried multiple times to gather myself  and enjoy the company and beautiful day.
    Our day continued at the Indians game against the Twins. I knew this would be the part of my day that would truly test my patience and endurance. We met up with two of the other youth at the game and almost instantaneously my emotions took over. I became frustrated and irritable because over the past month I had grown quite jealous of one of the girls in the group. Every time I saw her I would get upset because I kept thinking she was everything I'm not. One of the most confident, beautiful, smart, sweet girls I have ever met. I became jealous of all those qualities but it wasn't all that was on my mind. I was also questioning my worth and beauty because I'm 17 and not even talking to a guy, which really bummed and bums me out. I was also struggling with the idea that I was to be replaced by that sweet girl. So for the sake of shortening things all of that combined was a big ball of gross emotions and attitude. I again became quiet as we got our seat at the game while everyone chatted. I sat in my anger and jealousy to stubborn to listen to everyone telling me to put sunscreen on, so I got fried. I kept saying I didn't care about anything, but really I care about so many things my skin just wasn't on my radar at the time. I know suffer the consequences of burns that hurt soooo bad. After a Tribe won we stuck around for a free concert from Sanctus Real which was amazing. So amazing in fact that from the minute they started to play I lost it, I had tear rolling down my face before the end of the first song. The tears continued that way until the very last song.
    At the beginning I had no clue why I was even crying but by the end I had figured it out. Each song they played seemed to debunk one lie after another I have been believing as a truth. I was disappointed and mad at myself for letting my jealousy control my attitude and actions. I was mad about being jealous at all. I felt so convicted about the condition of my heart. As they sang “When I don't fit in and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. When I don't measure up to much in this life. Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ" in forgiven my youth leader grabbed my hand and the weirdest part was that exact line seemed like my life right now. Inside my head I have been telling myself I no longer fit in anywhere and I could never become anything. I have felt like a fly on the wall for the past month in many aspects of life and to hear the words that I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ with Lindsey holding one hand and the lead singer staring right at us I knew I needed to fix things. By the end of the concert due to all the tears and sunburn I dehydrated myself and had a horrible headache. Later that night when everyone went into Target I stayed in the car and made a desperate phone call crying trying to talk things out and figure out what I could do to fix it. Soon I found myself in the passenger seat going to pick up another girl for a sleepover at Lindseys being asked hard questions I really didn't want to answer. I spent the next 20 minutes answering and  listening to intense responses that scared me at first. I only wanted to be heard and honestly didn't feel like that was happening. Everything Lindsey was saying was very hard for me to hear at the moment, but made me ponder for the rest of the night.
    Although I tried my best to stay with all the girls at Lindseys last night the sunburn and headache were to much for me. At about 10:30 I headed home feeling defeated and exhausted in all aspects of life. Before I fell asleep I said a short prayer not knowing the words to say but forgive me for the jealousy and begging Him to help me fix it, and I am amazed at what he has done today. Today the girl I was so jealous of was being confirmed into our church and ironically I singing a solo in the church choir which doesn't happen often. As the choir practiced I was all of the sudden filled with an overwhelming peace, joy and love. I knew it was time for me to give up my jealousy and trade it for the love Christ offers and calls us all into. I knew that the only thing that could fix things was the love of Christ. Now I know that I'm not always the best with words so when it was time for the anthem I stood up look straight at her and sang "open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you." I wanted her to know how proud of her confirmation and faith. It was overwhelming and amazing that in a span of 24 hours how much my heart has changed. I stepped out in love to adopt another beautiful little sister in Christ. Tonight as we left youth group she came over and gave me a hug and I never knew something so small could bring tears to my eyes. I can only pray God continues to heal my heart and help the friendship grow. It's amazing what love can do people, never underestimate it. EVER.

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." Song of Solomon 8:6

Em and I after her beautiful confirmation

Sanctus Real concert (left) and Moonwalkers for Katie crew (bottom)