Going Through the Motions: Renewing the Relationship

Last night I had the opportunity to go with youth group the Cleveland to see the Winter Jam Tour. We got there a little later than we expected, so it took about an hour for all of us to find a seat, but we weren't all together. I sat with Ash and Lauren behind the stage, which wasn't horrible but wasn't great either.

I we got to hear 6 or 7 bands. Right before intermission the had sort of a 15 minute message about how Jesus is the light of the world and lights the darkness. He also talked about how it is easy to say your Christian and make it all be lip service but no action behind it. This of course wasn't the first time I had heard it, but in a way that I didn't see right away his words were joined with a very strong presence of Christ I have not felt in a long time. I was not at that moment ready to admit his presence so I shrugged it off as if there was nothing there.

So, later that night Sanctus Real came out and started playing. I sat for half of there performance, but in the middle of it I stood up and raised me arms and head to the sky singing along to Christ. At that moment I was ready to admit He was in that place and he was holding me in his arms whispering into my heart to come back to him. Sanctus Real ended with their song "Forgiven" which I knew was going to make me very emotional, and I was right but not only me but a friend very close got a bit emotional during this song as well. This friends shared a lot with me and I think I really understand her love for our Savior now.

The night was coming to a close and we were leaving during Skillet. Not before though they played a song that had me wanting to fall to my knees. "The Last Night", if you know anything about my story and the song you know exactly why I got emotional. For about the first minute of the song i had to hold onto my friend for dear life or I was going to literally loose it. I felt very close to Jesus last night, closer than I've felt in a long time.

So I got home at about 11:30ish but i wasn't tired at all and I knew what I had to do. After telling everyone goodnight and turning off everything in my room I laid there in silence for about 20 minutes. Soon I has crying begging Jesus to become a part of my life again and be my best friend. I asked Christ to come back into my life after months of lying to myself and Him. I have been been a total lip service Christian these past few months, changing my standards for what other people thought of me. I'm hear to clear it up and say no more, Christ is back to the center of my life! <3

Hiding Behind a Mask

Im not miserable but Im not happy. Im not strong but Im not weak. Im not rude but Im not polite. Im not popular but Im not a loner. Im not sexy but Im not horrid. Im not dumb but Im no genius. Im not you but I am me. Accept it. Unknown quotes

Things have been changing in life a lot lately. Internally, externally, with friends and family. I was talking to someone a few nights back about different things in life. The topic that caught my attention though, was being real. What does it mean to be real? In my view being real is being able to be true to yourself and not be afraid to be who you are no matter what people think. With that view though many people can call me a hypocrite.

I have been hiding behind masks as long as I can remember and for being a sophomore in High School i am ashamed to say that. You are supposed to be true to who you are, but in reality I haven't quite figured out who that person is yet. People know me as different things because I will play any part you want me to. At school, I can crack jokes and be obnoxious, like someone my age is supposed to act. I of course am to mature for my own good and think way to far into everything though. I see friends who can go through life, partying on the weekends going through life without a care. It sounds nice in all but I find myself wondering whats the point of not being able to remember more than half of your high school weekends because you were to drunk or high to care.

So while my friends are out on the weekends i'm either A.) with my theater friends or B.) being the perfect little church girl. Both great passions but I will admit I play a good poker face. Let me start with church. I am in LOVE with Christ 100%. He is my reason I get up in the morning and can get through everyday. He has saved me from so many things! Without him I know where I would be and it wouldn't be pretty. So I go to church as much as I can, but i'm NOT perfect. I sin and so does everyone else but I used to find myself hiding that. I would convince myself nothing was the matter and until I would crack one day. But until then I would do everything in my power not to show you what is going on. And I still do it today. You may think you know the whole story but there are so many layers, so much I have left unsaid. Christ knows everything I have left unsaid though and I find myself turning to him when I find myself being 'fake'.

**I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:14-16**

The people who seem to know me the best are my theater family. You might think acting oh that's where you can be someone else without even think about it.Back stage though i'm a bit different. The stage truly brings out the best in me. My friends in the theater can seem my determination and hard work and just the love for the craft. Being on stage makes me heart smile and I have the best feeling when I am on or around stage. It wasn't always that way though. I used to feel not good enough anyone stage wise. This has changed quite a bit this year, for the better.

So here is the thing as I work on thing I want to eliminate the false stuff about me and be the same person around everyone. I want to be able to worship Jesus and help spread his love to others but be able to belt a high C that can fill a huge theater when needed. Here is my challenge for you: DON'T BE FAKE! You can only hide one side of you from someone for a short time. I will be personally working on this in the coming months! Thank you to everyone who is by my side and praying for me! I

Thank You 2011!

Like many others I spent my New Years eve with an old friend and her family! It was a great time, we even created a new game called balloon ball (a combination of soccer and volleyball I guess.) I know for many people 2011 was difficult and even I thought 2011 was tied for worst year school wise because it is kicking my butt. This week though it really hit me how blessed I was this year in my acting and singing, to people who have helped me SO much and stayed by my side! I want to take the time to thank a few people.
First off my family: I loved spending Christmas in FL with everyone, we all got along and didn't fight! I want to thank my family for the support you have given me over the years. I am so grateful to have such amazing family members who love and care for me! Even though I don't show or say how thankful I am for you all I really am!
Mom: thank you for an AMAZING trip to NYC! it was great to enjoy my soo to be home with my mommy! You Are always looking out for me and putting up with ALL my crap! I love you!
Daddy: yOu always make me smile! Your a dork and I love you for it! I love when you sing in the car (NOT) but it does always cheer me up! Thank you for everything this year as I deal with my emotions and crap! Oh and thanks for being my personal taxi driver <3
Mollie: I LOVE YOU TO DEATH! The world hasn't seen best friends until they have met us! We are complete opposites, literally you are so outgoing and I'm incredibly shy around people I don't know and you just go up and say "hello". That's an inspiration to me! We have both helped each other lots! Laughed together and cried together! You are an amazing friend. God has a great sence of humor :)
Deb: hmmm well I have told you all of this before but if you wouldn't have had me audition for that christmas show I wouldn't be on stage and I'd prolly be planning on doing something I hate for the rest of my life! You have helped me rediscover my dreams of being in NYC and being an actress! You have been a constant in my life since 7th grade and have always looked out for me like family! In fact I consiter you more like family now! I love you dearly and will miss you so much when you go back to NYC.
Marilyn: well I've really only known you since August I guess! Weird seeing as if we are so close! I loved all of our dressing room conversations with Madison because I felt like in a way we had some things in common. You have helped me through alot these past few months and I can honestly say I don't know what I'd do without you. You were here when I felt like no one was and I thank you for that! I love and miss you tons!
And finally Lindsey: you are the best youth leader ever! You and I have really connected and have alot more in common than I could ever imagin! Our conversations vary quite often from cracking each other up to having a really serious conversation that makes you sit there and think ALOT! You have given me someone semi-closer to my age to look up to just like an oldersister! And of course with an older sister comes the annoyance back and forth. I love the fact that we are both so stubborn with our "I don't know's" AKA I don't want to think about it that we use that word annoyance! Anywho, thank you for being a great friend and someone I could confide in completely!