"Know Your Love"

Think of your best friend... maybe its your mom or dad, a friend that you have known since first grade, a spouse or someone you are in a relationship with. Write the name of that person on a piece on paper. On that same side write down as many names as you can of the people who have told you that they love you in your lifetime... Turn the paper over and now write down all of the people who would lay down their lives for you and then name the people who would lay down the life of their son or daughter for you... I don't know about you but the back of my paper is filled by only one name Christ.

In today's day and age we are exposed at a young age that love is when you are dating someone of married. As I get older I notice things I haven't before like how derogatory the saying "I love you" is. Media puts into our minds that love is simply about sex in a nut shell. You can listen to songs on the radio and 92% of Top Chart songs are about the wrong kind of love and that is sick especially when you look at the audience. Most of the people listening to these songs are teens including myself but sometimes I think people get the wrong ideas about what love is in the songs and in real life. Weather you believe it or not sleeping around is not healthy in any way shape or form, because how can you love each one of them??

I am 1 of 3 in my group of friends that are single, and most of my other friends are in very serious relationships with guys at the age of 16. I am okay with being single at the moment but it does get trying when you see your friends with wonderful guys and your sitting there alone. A lot of my friends say they feel bad for me but I don't because I am not being pressured into things I'm not ready for and I am able to focus on more important things like my relationship with Christ. Which brings me to the core of what I'm blogging about tonight.

On that paper it was hard to think of someone who would die for you right? Well it shouldn't be because he is right next to you right now. His love is true love because he died so that you could be forgiven from your sin and wrong doing to walk with Him in Heaven for eternity and isn't that amazing? His love is unending, He is not going to break up with you because you got into a fight or stop talking because you said something He didn't agree with. He is not going to walk away from you because he loves you with every being in His body. He fought a war for you, He was beaten and nailed to a cross so you could know the extent of His love. This is the reason I am okay with being single right now, because I am loved and never alone.

If you are recently just out of a relationship or lost a friend know that Christ is right there. He never stopped loving you even if the other person has. He will wrap you in His arms and tell you how much he loves you everyday. He will give you the strength to get up every morning and move on, and move toward him. If you truly want him in your life he is not far away all you have to do is call out to him and he will be there! He loves you so much more than anything on earth.

"The Truth About Me" Part Two

Normally I would come up with a more creative idea for a name but once again this song has been on my heart and on my mind as a lot of things have been in the past weeks since my last post.

Tonight is a little different because I don't exactly know where I want this post to go. So I'm going to start with some lyrics of the song to base the rest of this off of. "You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven. I feel lonely, You say You're with me. We both know it would change everything. If only I believed the truth about me..."

Since I last posted I have written four new songs and posted three of them on my YouTube channel and they are Christian songs. Recently I have found myself praying about possibly becoming a Christian singer and being able to share my story through music to help others who are just like me. I am giving my gifts to God and asking him to use them as he intends and let his will be done with my life but it is much easier said than done.

So recently I have found myself doubting myself and things around me which is why I am using this song once again. The part of the song I posted above is the part that has been on my mind so here it all goes. I sometimes find myself in difficult situations where I struggle to remember that there is someone who will always love me. It isn't even all recent but from along time ago, but I feel so held back by my brokenness sometimes. Laying in my bed thinking back of events and thinking I must be crazy no one could understand or forgive me, but it's nights like these that I find myself crying out to God with everything I have. I have never had this happen until this year, where I close my eyes and talk to God and can't find the words to say but I'm crying begging him to step into my life and give me strength to be a worthy servant of the Lord for others around me. I pray he will give me strength to get through the week and not loose faith, as I have done in the past. But me crying out to him does not mean I don't believe in him but means I don't have the strength to do it on my own.

Believing the lies is so much easier to do though right? The lies that tell you nothing you can do will be good enough, the lies that remind you how many people you feel like you're pushing away? See God sees beauty in our brokenness and can pick up the pieces and make something beautiful out of it. He sees us so much different than anyone else on earth and sometimes the lies seem to snuff that out. I often find myself believing the lies I am told by other people about many things, but mostly myself. I mean it isn't always easy to keep your head up and ignore things because it builds up on you, and eventually you blow up on someone or something.

So recently I have been wondering what it would be like if I didn't believe the lies that pop up here and there, how would my life be different? " You tell me things this world never will" This world can knock you down with one strong wave but God loves us more that all of the lies and mistakes combined. Something so amazing that it gives me chills just thinking about. Would you give up your life for people you didn't know? So I guess why wonder what life would be like when you can't change what has been done but be forgiven by a Savior?

"The Truth About Me"

This weekend I went on a youth confirmation retreat, and I was not to keen on the idea before I left the house. My attitude toward everything in this past week or so has been very bad. I have had the worst attitude toward everyone. I don't mean just a few people here and there but the words I said to certian individuals or in one case the words I didn't say have been hurtful to anyone I said them to, and also myself because I'm now noticing it all and all I want to do is fix it..... thing is I don't know how.

The retreat was 24 hours away from home learning about our Lord and His only Son Jesus Christ. At least that was what I thought but it was honestly so much more than that. It was a time for our youth group to grow closer together and to really reflect. Last night I felt very distant from everything especially God. I felt so unworthy of His beauty and forgiveness because I had somehow let him down. So I was very quiet I didn't want to let myself as fun, I guess I was trying to punish myself?? I really don't know what it was.... So we started memorizing things and I couldn't focus because I didn't have my heart into it. When we finished that my brain was fried and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I remember thinking I just wanted to fall to my knees and cry but that wasn't really an option at that time. So we started a late night worship service, we started with some really gross triple dog dares, like licking a $20 bill walking on glass and swallowing fire and then we played a Third Day song about everything Christ did to be with us. Just the message I needed to hear and then they handed out papers to make each of us share some of our story. I wish I could say I was able to emotionally hold it all together but that would be a lie. "Deciding to follow Jesus was one of the biggest decisions I ever made..." was the sentence I chose and shared about me being atheist in 7th and half of 8th grade. I wish I would have let everything out right there but I couldn't....

Today they woke us up screaming telling us they had a surprise and I could never prepare myself for what was about to happen today. They took us though almost every Christian holiday, and when we came to Holy Week I was ready to give it all to God. They washed our feet today just like Jesus washed Peters before he was crucified. When Vennessa prayed I broke down and went and hid under a blanket (dumb I know). When we came to Good Friday all I could think was Oh my gosh someone endured all of that for me... all of the pain and suffering I feel he took it all on himself on the cross. Why would someone do that for me? Love

So when I came home I was pale and felt sick, because all I wanted to do was fix everything I had screwed up. As I got on YouTube I found something I wasn't expecting, a song called "The Truth About Me" by Mandisa. It immediately started talking to me it was everything I was needing to hear.

"You say lovely, I say broken

I say guilty, You say forgiven

I feel lonely, You say You're with me

We both know it would change everything

If only I believed the truth about me"

All those words apply when I think about the relationship with people and Christ. We can feel so broken and feel so lost and he can still think were beautiful. He took away anything you could feel guilty for on the cross. He see's us differently than anyone in the whole entire world.

I'm going to sum this up by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the words I've said (or left unsaid) that may have felt like I was mad or angry I wasn't I was a bit lost and needed reminded that Christ is holding you no matter what your situation is.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." Romans 8: 26-27