"The Truth About Me"

This weekend I went on a youth confirmation retreat, and I was not to keen on the idea before I left the house. My attitude toward everything in this past week or so has been very bad. I have had the worst attitude toward everyone. I don't mean just a few people here and there but the words I said to certian individuals or in one case the words I didn't say have been hurtful to anyone I said them to, and also myself because I'm now noticing it all and all I want to do is fix it..... thing is I don't know how.

The retreat was 24 hours away from home learning about our Lord and His only Son Jesus Christ. At least that was what I thought but it was honestly so much more than that. It was a time for our youth group to grow closer together and to really reflect. Last night I felt very distant from everything especially God. I felt so unworthy of His beauty and forgiveness because I had somehow let him down. So I was very quiet I didn't want to let myself as fun, I guess I was trying to punish myself?? I really don't know what it was.... So we started memorizing things and I couldn't focus because I didn't have my heart into it. When we finished that my brain was fried and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I remember thinking I just wanted to fall to my knees and cry but that wasn't really an option at that time. So we started a late night worship service, we started with some really gross triple dog dares, like licking a $20 bill walking on glass and swallowing fire and then we played a Third Day song about everything Christ did to be with us. Just the message I needed to hear and then they handed out papers to make each of us share some of our story. I wish I could say I was able to emotionally hold it all together but that would be a lie. "Deciding to follow Jesus was one of the biggest decisions I ever made..." was the sentence I chose and shared about me being atheist in 7th and half of 8th grade. I wish I would have let everything out right there but I couldn't....

Today they woke us up screaming telling us they had a surprise and I could never prepare myself for what was about to happen today. They took us though almost every Christian holiday, and when we came to Holy Week I was ready to give it all to God. They washed our feet today just like Jesus washed Peters before he was crucified. When Vennessa prayed I broke down and went and hid under a blanket (dumb I know). When we came to Good Friday all I could think was Oh my gosh someone endured all of that for me... all of the pain and suffering I feel he took it all on himself on the cross. Why would someone do that for me? Love

So when I came home I was pale and felt sick, because all I wanted to do was fix everything I had screwed up. As I got on YouTube I found something I wasn't expecting, a song called "The Truth About Me" by Mandisa. It immediately started talking to me it was everything I was needing to hear.

"You say lovely, I say broken

I say guilty, You say forgiven

I feel lonely, You say You're with me

We both know it would change everything

If only I believed the truth about me"

All those words apply when I think about the relationship with people and Christ. We can feel so broken and feel so lost and he can still think were beautiful. He took away anything you could feel guilty for on the cross. He see's us differently than anyone in the whole entire world.

I'm going to sum this up by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the words I've said (or left unsaid) that may have felt like I was mad or angry I wasn't I was a bit lost and needed reminded that Christ is holding you no matter what your situation is.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." Romans 8: 26-27