Antisocial and Why I HATE Labeling

    Labels. The best way I can describe it is from the lunchroom scene in Mean Girls. You know where they give you the breakdown of where the jocks, preps, asians, burnouts, sexually active band geeks and of course the plastics sit. Those are ALL labels, good or bad, true or untrue; for that moment they lose their name and become a *insert unnecessary group name here*. So tonight I'm blogging about the ridiculous labels we are given, how our names don't deserve to be replaced by them and what God labels us as. I'm sure its not antisocial.
    Labels are nothing new to mankind and have existed since what seems to be the beginning of time. Masters, slaves, upper class, peasants, tax collectors, thieves, whores, jocks, potheads, bible thumpers, band nerds, just to name a few. I couldn't forget my favorite two though that have been near and dear to my heart from a young age: preppy and antisocial people.
    "Preppy Bitch" was my favorite label from childhood, which was given to me in the seventh grade. In seventh grade I switched schools to attempt to follow my dreams at the time to be an actress. The "friends" I had at the time didn't see it as an opportunity to grow but as an opportunity to torture me by making me feel out of place and being the peppy bitch. They say sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you. Well I'm calling bullshit on that one. How many times have others words hurt YOU more than their physical action? Exactly. I was labeled as a preppy bitch because I had a dream and I tried so hard to make it come true until the dream and passion was driven out of me. I fought for that dream a long time but eventually let the words and names get to me until I let it go a few years ago. Even after I returned to the old school with my friends I held the label for 3 or 4 years, or until they finally forgot about it. It was a funny joke to everyone except me. What made me preppy? Or a bitch in the seventh grade?
    But by far the most hurtful, and the one label I believed the most and almost became was antisocial. Up until even this year I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere in school. I came into school the new kid in November of the my third grade year. Everyone had their friend groups made and I had a heck of time trying to get into a friend group. I did meet a group of girls out of my desperation for friends. I was the runt of the group, the one who was thrown under the bus, the one bullied just to "fit in." What would you do in this situation as a child? I felt like everything I said was laughed at and ridiculed. All I wanted to do was fit in like everyone else and unfortunately I had to become a liar to even get people to look at me. I hated elementary and sixth grade so no wonder I wanted to switch school so quickly, I wanted a new start. Sometime during my elementary years I thought if I stopped talking I couldn't get blamed or get in trouble for things. The teasing and bullying continued until I felt emotionally shut off to my peers at school. If I didn't feel anything I thought it wouldn't be so bad. So people began to call me antisocial in sixth grade because I still wasn't like everyone else, closed off and quite, scared of the people around me. I never acted out against the social norm, I followed everyone else in hopes of not doing something wrong. I longed for friends and to be social but I was held back by my very real fears of humiliation and rejection. Up until freshman year I believed the lie I was told that said I was antisocial. I thought the fact that I only had one or two good friends I was doing something wrong when everyone else had a whole group. I kept to myself a lot dreaming of the future just to make it through those lonely years. (Side Note: I did fit in at the summer camp one or two weeks out the summer that I still attend today. I have made so many amazing friends through that beautiful place.)
    Tonight the word antisocial was thrown my direction and for that split second all those feelings and memories of those lonely dark years flooded through me. I flinched feeling my name lost to the exact label I have been fighting so hard to overcome. We shouldn't lose ourselves to who we were or the mistakes me have made. For four year I allowed my name to be replaced by being called a preppy bitch and antisocial. I am McKayla Audrey and I am neither of those things. Do you know what I am? I am a Child of the King.

"God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure."

    No one likes to be labeled because we are all our own person not to be meshed in with everyone else. So if we don't like it then why do we continue to make such a big deal about it in movies, TV, conversation, gossip and life? The only reason I can see is that it is a way of life that people aren't willing to let go of. It seems comfortable to categorize things and people without knowing them or their story. I challenge you though to think and reach out to that person who you think is awkward or unapproachable, or that you could NEVER be friends with and learn their whole story. Labels are comfortable. Step out of your comfort zone and before you take away someones name, think, ask and learn their story. Only few people are able to see the transformation I have made from UNSOCIAL to a person who loves being in relationship with others.

I am McKayla Audrey a child of the King, forgiven, beautiful, strong, remade and never alone....

"We Need Each Other"

    Have you ever thought of what a beautiful gift it is that we are able to be in relationship with other brothers and sisters in Christ? I know I haven't truly spent a ton of time pondering on that beautiful gift as much as I should until this past week. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 expresses the beauty and necessity of being in relationship with others:

" Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

    I am so blessed by the relationships God has put into my beautiful life, and like I asked on Facebook, tonight I reflect on what have those Godly relationships give me. Sunday after the show I was in and after dinner with Kayla Marie, my oldest adopted sister, we spent the evening laying in my front yard. It was a perfect evening to finish off a hectic weekend of shows.  We didn't talk about anything in particular but just hung out and embraced the beauty around us. Our relationship is so beautiful and so different to me because she is a fighter and fought through so much to show that she cares. I first met her as an 11 year old camper back in '07 not knowing the huge impact she would have on my life. I loved Kayla as a counselor because she was different than everyone else and I clung to that, and her as a camper. I would walk up hills that were terribly steep and force myself to carry her backpack. I used to think it was funny to wipe peanut butter on her back and hide her back pack all around camp. It wasn't so funny though when her and some of her counselor buddies hid in the woods apparently "kidnapped by a serial killer." I cried, no I bawled at the idea of losing her only to find out it was just a prank. When we reconnected last summer I had no idea that we would become as close as we are now. So close in fact shes passed out right next to me while I write this. She has fought for our relationship from day one, making our once a month reunions a success from hiking to concerts, to recording demos to just laying around as I hack up a lung. Our bond and relationship is so different because we know when the other person isn't okay. We have been able to be there for each other through all of those times praying, crying, yelling, talking and texting, just to remind the other person they're not alone. I thank God everyday for her story and beautiful life. Like I have said before she is a person that is able to bring out the best in me even out of my worst attitudes. Sunday being a beautiful example and reminder of one of the beautiful relationships God has given me.
    About an hour after Kayla left Sunday I got a random phone call which I would find out later was not so random. It was Em calling to chat for a little while but I wasn't expecting the beautiful conversation that followed. I think it started with her telling me she had read my blog I wrote about my jealousy of her. In that moment my heart dropped thinking I looked like a crazy person but she expressed how beautiful she thought it was and that it made her cry. We then started talking about our stories of our lives in the past few years. It was such a beautiful conversation because it was so raw, honest and real. I could hear a quiver in her voice as she talked about life. I told her my story and although the are drastically different and based out of different lies and temptation there is something huge we have in common. Something that is very hard on both our hearts. I can't remember if I said it but, Em when you read this I want you to know that you are loved, perfect, enough, beautiful and worth so much to Jesus, me and the rest of your "duck family". Your worth doesn't come from a grade on a piece of paper, a perfected dance number or even your amazing boyfriend. It comes from whose child you are: A CHILD OF GOD. I've only known Em for about half a year but I can already tell that God has big things for her life. He has big things in store for our friendship and I am so blessed to get to walk alongside her in her journey with Christ.
    I of course cannot forget my curly haired older sister/ mama duck/ youth pastor. What has our relationship given me? To put it simply hope. Hope that things will be okay, that I am worth more than I'm going through. Hope that one day I will become as strong as she is that I am able to lead others to the Kingdom. For the past two years Lindsey has stood by me and watched me crumble into a heaping mess and watched me soar as I have learned to embrace the freedom the cross offers. Even when I so desperately beg to give up and give in, to take the easy way out she has encouraged and loved me. Was it easy all the time being asked hard questions I really didn't want to answer? No at the moment it sucked having to answer them. Am I thankful for each conversation we've had like that? So thankful because it was often in those conversations God was able to break and speak to my heart in order rebuild it. Have we had a yelling match here and there? Uh yep. Cried together? More than I could have imagined. As I head into my senior year in the fall I cannot wait to see what hard conversations, and beautiful moments God has in store. Of course even outside of youth group when I graduate I think we will still me close. It's going to being very hard to sever the bond that has been created in the past two years and I am so blessed to be able to say God stitched in together. Even when our lives part with our new jobs, and new families I hope I never lose my curly, seal laugh sister.
    I'm going to finish this up with the lyric video to the song the title is based off of. I heard it back at the Indians game with my fellow ducklings and mama duck. While you listen, seriously ponder on the beautiful gift of relationship God has given us. So I ask, what have the relationships God has blessed you with given you?

   

"It's amazing what love can do people, never underestimate it. EVER."

    What a gorgeous weekend filled with sunshine, sunburn, miles, laughter, music, conversation and many many tears. I started my Saturday at 7AM when some of the youth girls and I headed up to the Cleveland Zoo to raise awareness  for JRA research in and support Katie. We might have been the slowest moving group of 5 girls the whole morning as the middle school girls stopped at each animal and spoke to it as if it understood. My youth leader and I on the other hand aren't really a fan of the zoo, mostly because of all the cute families and preggo mommies walking around.  I was pretty quiet and to myself as the walk continued, thinking and processing through things. I was asked to talk things out but at that moment I was convinced I had things under control. Inside though I was clinging onto to lies, jealousy and hurt. I tried multiple times to gather myself  and enjoy the company and beautiful day.
    Our day continued at the Indians game against the Twins. I knew this would be the part of my day that would truly test my patience and endurance. We met up with two of the other youth at the game and almost instantaneously my emotions took over. I became frustrated and irritable because over the past month I had grown quite jealous of one of the girls in the group. Every time I saw her I would get upset because I kept thinking she was everything I'm not. One of the most confident, beautiful, smart, sweet girls I have ever met. I became jealous of all those qualities but it wasn't all that was on my mind. I was also questioning my worth and beauty because I'm 17 and not even talking to a guy, which really bummed and bums me out. I was also struggling with the idea that I was to be replaced by that sweet girl. So for the sake of shortening things all of that combined was a big ball of gross emotions and attitude. I again became quiet as we got our seat at the game while everyone chatted. I sat in my anger and jealousy to stubborn to listen to everyone telling me to put sunscreen on, so I got fried. I kept saying I didn't care about anything, but really I care about so many things my skin just wasn't on my radar at the time. I know suffer the consequences of burns that hurt soooo bad. After a Tribe won we stuck around for a free concert from Sanctus Real which was amazing. So amazing in fact that from the minute they started to play I lost it, I had tear rolling down my face before the end of the first song. The tears continued that way until the very last song.
    At the beginning I had no clue why I was even crying but by the end I had figured it out. Each song they played seemed to debunk one lie after another I have been believing as a truth. I was disappointed and mad at myself for letting my jealousy control my attitude and actions. I was mad about being jealous at all. I felt so convicted about the condition of my heart. As they sang “When I don't fit in and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. When I don't measure up to much in this life. Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ" in forgiven my youth leader grabbed my hand and the weirdest part was that exact line seemed like my life right now. Inside my head I have been telling myself I no longer fit in anywhere and I could never become anything. I have felt like a fly on the wall for the past month in many aspects of life and to hear the words that I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ with Lindsey holding one hand and the lead singer staring right at us I knew I needed to fix things. By the end of the concert due to all the tears and sunburn I dehydrated myself and had a horrible headache. Later that night when everyone went into Target I stayed in the car and made a desperate phone call crying trying to talk things out and figure out what I could do to fix it. Soon I found myself in the passenger seat going to pick up another girl for a sleepover at Lindseys being asked hard questions I really didn't want to answer. I spent the next 20 minutes answering and  listening to intense responses that scared me at first. I only wanted to be heard and honestly didn't feel like that was happening. Everything Lindsey was saying was very hard for me to hear at the moment, but made me ponder for the rest of the night.
    Although I tried my best to stay with all the girls at Lindseys last night the sunburn and headache were to much for me. At about 10:30 I headed home feeling defeated and exhausted in all aspects of life. Before I fell asleep I said a short prayer not knowing the words to say but forgive me for the jealousy and begging Him to help me fix it, and I am amazed at what he has done today. Today the girl I was so jealous of was being confirmed into our church and ironically I singing a solo in the church choir which doesn't happen often. As the choir practiced I was all of the sudden filled with an overwhelming peace, joy and love. I knew it was time for me to give up my jealousy and trade it for the love Christ offers and calls us all into. I knew that the only thing that could fix things was the love of Christ. Now I know that I'm not always the best with words so when it was time for the anthem I stood up look straight at her and sang "open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you." I wanted her to know how proud of her confirmation and faith. It was overwhelming and amazing that in a span of 24 hours how much my heart has changed. I stepped out in love to adopt another beautiful little sister in Christ. Tonight as we left youth group she came over and gave me a hug and I never knew something so small could bring tears to my eyes. I can only pray God continues to heal my heart and help the friendship grow. It's amazing what love can do people, never underestimate it. EVER.

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." Song of Solomon 8:6

Em and I after her beautiful confirmation

Sanctus Real concert (left) and Moonwalkers for Katie crew (bottom)