"Amazing Love"

"I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well, you're spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again" What amazing words in one of my favorite songs Amazing Love.

This week is Holy Week which is the week leading up to the resurrection of Jesus Christ on Easter morning. Last year was the first year I really grasped the concept of Christ's undying love for us on Maundy Thursday.

I have been singing in my church choir since I was in 5th grade and we always sing at the Maundy Thursday service but for 4 years I had no real knowledge of what Holy Week truly meant. I think this year I have come to understand a bit more about all of it in a whole. 

     Thursday night you celebrate the Last Supper, the last time Jesus disciples would eat with him, the last time he would teach before he went to the cross the next day. I noticed something this year that I haven't before in the story of the Last Supper. I knew everything about Jesus foretelling his betrayal but I never knew he washed his disciples feet His last night with them. As Jesus was washing the feet of Peter, Peter tells Him he shall never wash his feet. Jesus washes all the feet of each disciple except His betrayer. ¹² When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ( John 13:12) In fact the disciples did not understand at that time what Christ had done, but they soon would.  Jesus washing the feet of his disciples showed that he was coming down on they're level and showing that He was not only God but human as well something I personally I find amazing.
    Friday Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior went to the cross to save your life. Christ faced so much for all of us to understand his undying love. This man was beaten, whipped, ridiculed, betrayed and hung on a cross. This is an amazing love that is so much to understand in one sitting. I often find myself feeling alone, consumed in my thoughts or current situation. I become so involved in my own pain that I fail to open up my eyes to such an amazing love. I look for love in all the wrong places. I look for love in the approval of others, in my grades, in relationships, my music and a ton more instead of looking to God and seeing his amazing love. I am forgiven of all of this by Christ who was forsaken on behalf of people just like you and I. Instead of having to change who I am to be accepted by others Christ accepts me as I am past and all. I am able to wake each morning and smile because of the most amazing gift anyone could ever ask for: life through Christ Jesus our Savior.
    So as we continue this holy week I challenge you to try and understand a part of Holy week that you have never thought about before. Holy week is preparing us for Easter the day our Lord rises and everything is created new. This Easter though it is long overdue I am being confirmed into my Church, and honestly I am ready to take this step. I am ready to be the hands and feet of Christ and let him work in my life as He desires! Turning 16 brings new freedoms and respectability into my life and I must admit it does seem a little scary I am ready because I know Christ will be with me the whole way! 
    Know how much he loves you! God is so amazing! His love is so amazing!
<3  

"Know Your Love"

Think of your best friend... maybe its your mom or dad, a friend that you have known since first grade, a spouse or someone you are in a relationship with. Write the name of that person on a piece on paper. On that same side write down as many names as you can of the people who have told you that they love you in your lifetime... Turn the paper over and now write down all of the people who would lay down their lives for you and then name the people who would lay down the life of their son or daughter for you... I don't know about you but the back of my paper is filled by only one name Christ.

In today's day and age we are exposed at a young age that love is when you are dating someone of married. As I get older I notice things I haven't before like how derogatory the saying "I love you" is. Media puts into our minds that love is simply about sex in a nut shell. You can listen to songs on the radio and 92% of Top Chart songs are about the wrong kind of love and that is sick especially when you look at the audience. Most of the people listening to these songs are teens including myself but sometimes I think people get the wrong ideas about what love is in the songs and in real life. Weather you believe it or not sleeping around is not healthy in any way shape or form, because how can you love each one of them??

I am 1 of 3 in my group of friends that are single, and most of my other friends are in very serious relationships with guys at the age of 16. I am okay with being single at the moment but it does get trying when you see your friends with wonderful guys and your sitting there alone. A lot of my friends say they feel bad for me but I don't because I am not being pressured into things I'm not ready for and I am able to focus on more important things like my relationship with Christ. Which brings me to the core of what I'm blogging about tonight.

On that paper it was hard to think of someone who would die for you right? Well it shouldn't be because he is right next to you right now. His love is true love because he died so that you could be forgiven from your sin and wrong doing to walk with Him in Heaven for eternity and isn't that amazing? His love is unending, He is not going to break up with you because you got into a fight or stop talking because you said something He didn't agree with. He is not going to walk away from you because he loves you with every being in His body. He fought a war for you, He was beaten and nailed to a cross so you could know the extent of His love. This is the reason I am okay with being single right now, because I am loved and never alone.

If you are recently just out of a relationship or lost a friend know that Christ is right there. He never stopped loving you even if the other person has. He will wrap you in His arms and tell you how much he loves you everyday. He will give you the strength to get up every morning and move on, and move toward him. If you truly want him in your life he is not far away all you have to do is call out to him and he will be there! He loves you so much more than anything on earth.

"The Truth About Me" Part Two

Normally I would come up with a more creative idea for a name but once again this song has been on my heart and on my mind as a lot of things have been in the past weeks since my last post.

Tonight is a little different because I don't exactly know where I want this post to go. So I'm going to start with some lyrics of the song to base the rest of this off of. "You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven. I feel lonely, You say You're with me. We both know it would change everything. If only I believed the truth about me..."

Since I last posted I have written four new songs and posted three of them on my YouTube channel and they are Christian songs. Recently I have found myself praying about possibly becoming a Christian singer and being able to share my story through music to help others who are just like me. I am giving my gifts to God and asking him to use them as he intends and let his will be done with my life but it is much easier said than done.

So recently I have found myself doubting myself and things around me which is why I am using this song once again. The part of the song I posted above is the part that has been on my mind so here it all goes. I sometimes find myself in difficult situations where I struggle to remember that there is someone who will always love me. It isn't even all recent but from along time ago, but I feel so held back by my brokenness sometimes. Laying in my bed thinking back of events and thinking I must be crazy no one could understand or forgive me, but it's nights like these that I find myself crying out to God with everything I have. I have never had this happen until this year, where I close my eyes and talk to God and can't find the words to say but I'm crying begging him to step into my life and give me strength to be a worthy servant of the Lord for others around me. I pray he will give me strength to get through the week and not loose faith, as I have done in the past. But me crying out to him does not mean I don't believe in him but means I don't have the strength to do it on my own.

Believing the lies is so much easier to do though right? The lies that tell you nothing you can do will be good enough, the lies that remind you how many people you feel like you're pushing away? See God sees beauty in our brokenness and can pick up the pieces and make something beautiful out of it. He sees us so much different than anyone else on earth and sometimes the lies seem to snuff that out. I often find myself believing the lies I am told by other people about many things, but mostly myself. I mean it isn't always easy to keep your head up and ignore things because it builds up on you, and eventually you blow up on someone or something.

So recently I have been wondering what it would be like if I didn't believe the lies that pop up here and there, how would my life be different? " You tell me things this world never will" This world can knock you down with one strong wave but God loves us more that all of the lies and mistakes combined. Something so amazing that it gives me chills just thinking about. Would you give up your life for people you didn't know? So I guess why wonder what life would be like when you can't change what has been done but be forgiven by a Savior?

"The Truth About Me"

This weekend I went on a youth confirmation retreat, and I was not to keen on the idea before I left the house. My attitude toward everything in this past week or so has been very bad. I have had the worst attitude toward everyone. I don't mean just a few people here and there but the words I said to certian individuals or in one case the words I didn't say have been hurtful to anyone I said them to, and also myself because I'm now noticing it all and all I want to do is fix it..... thing is I don't know how.

The retreat was 24 hours away from home learning about our Lord and His only Son Jesus Christ. At least that was what I thought but it was honestly so much more than that. It was a time for our youth group to grow closer together and to really reflect. Last night I felt very distant from everything especially God. I felt so unworthy of His beauty and forgiveness because I had somehow let him down. So I was very quiet I didn't want to let myself as fun, I guess I was trying to punish myself?? I really don't know what it was.... So we started memorizing things and I couldn't focus because I didn't have my heart into it. When we finished that my brain was fried and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I remember thinking I just wanted to fall to my knees and cry but that wasn't really an option at that time. So we started a late night worship service, we started with some really gross triple dog dares, like licking a $20 bill walking on glass and swallowing fire and then we played a Third Day song about everything Christ did to be with us. Just the message I needed to hear and then they handed out papers to make each of us share some of our story. I wish I could say I was able to emotionally hold it all together but that would be a lie. "Deciding to follow Jesus was one of the biggest decisions I ever made..." was the sentence I chose and shared about me being atheist in 7th and half of 8th grade. I wish I would have let everything out right there but I couldn't....

Today they woke us up screaming telling us they had a surprise and I could never prepare myself for what was about to happen today. They took us though almost every Christian holiday, and when we came to Holy Week I was ready to give it all to God. They washed our feet today just like Jesus washed Peters before he was crucified. When Vennessa prayed I broke down and went and hid under a blanket (dumb I know). When we came to Good Friday all I could think was Oh my gosh someone endured all of that for me... all of the pain and suffering I feel he took it all on himself on the cross. Why would someone do that for me? Love

So when I came home I was pale and felt sick, because all I wanted to do was fix everything I had screwed up. As I got on YouTube I found something I wasn't expecting, a song called "The Truth About Me" by Mandisa. It immediately started talking to me it was everything I was needing to hear.

"You say lovely, I say broken

I say guilty, You say forgiven

I feel lonely, You say You're with me

We both know it would change everything

If only I believed the truth about me"

All those words apply when I think about the relationship with people and Christ. We can feel so broken and feel so lost and he can still think were beautiful. He took away anything you could feel guilty for on the cross. He see's us differently than anyone in the whole entire world.

I'm going to sum this up by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the words I've said (or left unsaid) that may have felt like I was mad or angry I wasn't I was a bit lost and needed reminded that Christ is holding you no matter what your situation is.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." Romans 8: 26-27

Going Through the Motions: Renewing the Relationship

Last night I had the opportunity to go with youth group the Cleveland to see the Winter Jam Tour. We got there a little later than we expected, so it took about an hour for all of us to find a seat, but we weren't all together. I sat with Ash and Lauren behind the stage, which wasn't horrible but wasn't great either.

I we got to hear 6 or 7 bands. Right before intermission the had sort of a 15 minute message about how Jesus is the light of the world and lights the darkness. He also talked about how it is easy to say your Christian and make it all be lip service but no action behind it. This of course wasn't the first time I had heard it, but in a way that I didn't see right away his words were joined with a very strong presence of Christ I have not felt in a long time. I was not at that moment ready to admit his presence so I shrugged it off as if there was nothing there.

So, later that night Sanctus Real came out and started playing. I sat for half of there performance, but in the middle of it I stood up and raised me arms and head to the sky singing along to Christ. At that moment I was ready to admit He was in that place and he was holding me in his arms whispering into my heart to come back to him. Sanctus Real ended with their song "Forgiven" which I knew was going to make me very emotional, and I was right but not only me but a friend very close got a bit emotional during this song as well. This friends shared a lot with me and I think I really understand her love for our Savior now.

The night was coming to a close and we were leaving during Skillet. Not before though they played a song that had me wanting to fall to my knees. "The Last Night", if you know anything about my story and the song you know exactly why I got emotional. For about the first minute of the song i had to hold onto my friend for dear life or I was going to literally loose it. I felt very close to Jesus last night, closer than I've felt in a long time.

So I got home at about 11:30ish but i wasn't tired at all and I knew what I had to do. After telling everyone goodnight and turning off everything in my room I laid there in silence for about 20 minutes. Soon I has crying begging Jesus to become a part of my life again and be my best friend. I asked Christ to come back into my life after months of lying to myself and Him. I have been been a total lip service Christian these past few months, changing my standards for what other people thought of me. I'm hear to clear it up and say no more, Christ is back to the center of my life! <3

Hiding Behind a Mask

Im not miserable but Im not happy. Im not strong but Im not weak. Im not rude but Im not polite. Im not popular but Im not a loner. Im not sexy but Im not horrid. Im not dumb but Im no genius. Im not you but I am me. Accept it. Unknown quotes

Things have been changing in life a lot lately. Internally, externally, with friends and family. I was talking to someone a few nights back about different things in life. The topic that caught my attention though, was being real. What does it mean to be real? In my view being real is being able to be true to yourself and not be afraid to be who you are no matter what people think. With that view though many people can call me a hypocrite.

I have been hiding behind masks as long as I can remember and for being a sophomore in High School i am ashamed to say that. You are supposed to be true to who you are, but in reality I haven't quite figured out who that person is yet. People know me as different things because I will play any part you want me to. At school, I can crack jokes and be obnoxious, like someone my age is supposed to act. I of course am to mature for my own good and think way to far into everything though. I see friends who can go through life, partying on the weekends going through life without a care. It sounds nice in all but I find myself wondering whats the point of not being able to remember more than half of your high school weekends because you were to drunk or high to care.

So while my friends are out on the weekends i'm either A.) with my theater friends or B.) being the perfect little church girl. Both great passions but I will admit I play a good poker face. Let me start with church. I am in LOVE with Christ 100%. He is my reason I get up in the morning and can get through everyday. He has saved me from so many things! Without him I know where I would be and it wouldn't be pretty. So I go to church as much as I can, but i'm NOT perfect. I sin and so does everyone else but I used to find myself hiding that. I would convince myself nothing was the matter and until I would crack one day. But until then I would do everything in my power not to show you what is going on. And I still do it today. You may think you know the whole story but there are so many layers, so much I have left unsaid. Christ knows everything I have left unsaid though and I find myself turning to him when I find myself being 'fake'.

**I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:14-16**

The people who seem to know me the best are my theater family. You might think acting oh that's where you can be someone else without even think about it.Back stage though i'm a bit different. The stage truly brings out the best in me. My friends in the theater can seem my determination and hard work and just the love for the craft. Being on stage makes me heart smile and I have the best feeling when I am on or around stage. It wasn't always that way though. I used to feel not good enough anyone stage wise. This has changed quite a bit this year, for the better.

So here is the thing as I work on thing I want to eliminate the false stuff about me and be the same person around everyone. I want to be able to worship Jesus and help spread his love to others but be able to belt a high C that can fill a huge theater when needed. Here is my challenge for you: DON'T BE FAKE! You can only hide one side of you from someone for a short time. I will be personally working on this in the coming months! Thank you to everyone who is by my side and praying for me! I

Thank You 2011!

Like many others I spent my New Years eve with an old friend and her family! It was a great time, we even created a new game called balloon ball (a combination of soccer and volleyball I guess.) I know for many people 2011 was difficult and even I thought 2011 was tied for worst year school wise because it is kicking my butt. This week though it really hit me how blessed I was this year in my acting and singing, to people who have helped me SO much and stayed by my side! I want to take the time to thank a few people.
First off my family: I loved spending Christmas in FL with everyone, we all got along and didn't fight! I want to thank my family for the support you have given me over the years. I am so grateful to have such amazing family members who love and care for me! Even though I don't show or say how thankful I am for you all I really am!
Mom: thank you for an AMAZING trip to NYC! it was great to enjoy my soo to be home with my mommy! You Are always looking out for me and putting up with ALL my crap! I love you!
Daddy: yOu always make me smile! Your a dork and I love you for it! I love when you sing in the car (NOT) but it does always cheer me up! Thank you for everything this year as I deal with my emotions and crap! Oh and thanks for being my personal taxi driver <3
Mollie: I LOVE YOU TO DEATH! The world hasn't seen best friends until they have met us! We are complete opposites, literally you are so outgoing and I'm incredibly shy around people I don't know and you just go up and say "hello". That's an inspiration to me! We have both helped each other lots! Laughed together and cried together! You are an amazing friend. God has a great sence of humor :)
Deb: hmmm well I have told you all of this before but if you wouldn't have had me audition for that christmas show I wouldn't be on stage and I'd prolly be planning on doing something I hate for the rest of my life! You have helped me rediscover my dreams of being in NYC and being an actress! You have been a constant in my life since 7th grade and have always looked out for me like family! In fact I consiter you more like family now! I love you dearly and will miss you so much when you go back to NYC.
Marilyn: well I've really only known you since August I guess! Weird seeing as if we are so close! I loved all of our dressing room conversations with Madison because I felt like in a way we had some things in common. You have helped me through alot these past few months and I can honestly say I don't know what I'd do without you. You were here when I felt like no one was and I thank you for that! I love and miss you tons!
And finally Lindsey: you are the best youth leader ever! You and I have really connected and have alot more in common than I could ever imagin! Our conversations vary quite often from cracking each other up to having a really serious conversation that makes you sit there and think ALOT! You have given me someone semi-closer to my age to look up to just like an oldersister! And of course with an older sister comes the annoyance back and forth. I love the fact that we are both so stubborn with our "I don't know's" AKA I don't want to think about it that we use that word annoyance! Anywho, thank you for being a great friend and someone I could confide in completely!